Very good introduction, and very good descriptions of the surroundings!

What was missing a bit were descripitions of feelings, or rather using stronger or more words to describe their intensity.

Also starting it like a thriller , though an interesting idea by itself, has not really fit, a smooth start would have been better to build up a positive emotional connection to the chraracters and catching the mood of the scene. Thrillers and twists are fine, but if they work with a misunderstanding of the mood of the scene it breaks the train of imagination for the reader, like kicking him out of the scene for the moment they take to realize and to re-interpret the descriptions. It works well wirh wordplays or relative sober descriptions of scenes, but it works bad with using it for the main emotional scene of this story because of what this scene describes and the circumstances..

Thanks for the comment and the critique. I'm still new at the story thing but I hope to get better, and thank you for the suggestion. Now that I look at it again, I do realize that the journal gives a differnant impression than how the stoy begins.

Yes, the story sounds better now, especially the beginning!

thanks for the comments, I think it is much better now.