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The second story for one of my Cold War fat furry characters and the second in the FLAW Project.
Failed infantrywoman turned obese reservist and mother, Corporal Narcissa Schwartz has to leave her family to help in a multi nation NATO exercise in Germany. However, office politics means that the 400 pound tigress is given an assignment she did not plan for, leading to a meeting with some young conscripts in need of a mother figure.
For another story about Narcissa, written by me:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38509832/
For some excellent art of Narcissa done by the amazing
volkenfox
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/40395183/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36998142/
Failed infantrywoman turned obese reservist and mother, Corporal Narcissa Schwartz has to leave her family to help in a multi nation NATO exercise in Germany. However, office politics means that the 400 pound tigress is given an assignment she did not plan for, leading to a meeting with some young conscripts in need of a mother figure.
For another story about Narcissa, written by me:
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/38509832/
For some excellent art of Narcissa done by the amazing
volkenfoxhttps://www.furaffinity.net/view/40395183/
https://www.furaffinity.net/view/36998142/
Category Story / Fat Furs
Species Tiger
Size 120 x 112px
File Size 2.2 MB
Listed in Folders
Thanks so much for posting this! It was a pleasure to read.
I do see that Bed Frames is a more fetishy story, while this one is more character-driven. I enjoyed both in their own right!
I liked the dialogue. I could tell a lot about how the characters related to one another just by their speech. No one talks too much, either. You get a lot of meaning out of a few words!
I also liked how you filled in details. Historical flourishes like "the older wooden stock version" make the world more vivid. Your phrasing is so concise that these details don't get in the way. I know almost nothing about the historical setting here, and you made it approachable.
Towards the beginning, I did have some trouble following who was who. You have three generations of characters there, so it's hard to tell what exactly "mother" refers too. That opening scene is seven characters in total, which was challenging for me.
I do think the story would be improved with more attention to punctuation. For instance, this:
“Unlucky” Anna sniffed “I’d hate to be a tanker. Cramped spaces like that don’t suit me”
Should be this:
“Unlucky,” Anna sniffed. “I’d hate to be a tanker. Cramped spaces like that don’t suit me.”
It seems minor, but those little marks help me process the flow of the text.
I do see that Bed Frames is a more fetishy story, while this one is more character-driven. I enjoyed both in their own right!
I liked the dialogue. I could tell a lot about how the characters related to one another just by their speech. No one talks too much, either. You get a lot of meaning out of a few words!
I also liked how you filled in details. Historical flourishes like "the older wooden stock version" make the world more vivid. Your phrasing is so concise that these details don't get in the way. I know almost nothing about the historical setting here, and you made it approachable.
Towards the beginning, I did have some trouble following who was who. You have three generations of characters there, so it's hard to tell what exactly "mother" refers too. That opening scene is seven characters in total, which was challenging for me.
I do think the story would be improved with more attention to punctuation. For instance, this:
“Unlucky” Anna sniffed “I’d hate to be a tanker. Cramped spaces like that don’t suit me”
Should be this:
“Unlucky,” Anna sniffed. “I’d hate to be a tanker. Cramped spaces like that don’t suit me.”
It seems minor, but those little marks help me process the flow of the text.
Thank you so much for your comment! I'm very glad to hear that you enjoyed the story!
Your points are excellent and I thank you for your feedback. I'm glad I was able to engross you into the setting and my dialogue is on point. Your point on the opening conversation is good and I'll bear that in mind going ahead with my writing in the future, the same goes for the point on punctuation. It's something I'm not great with, when writing so I'll pay more attention to it next time.
Your points are excellent and I thank you for your feedback. I'm glad I was able to engross you into the setting and my dialogue is on point. Your point on the opening conversation is good and I'll bear that in mind going ahead with my writing in the future, the same goes for the point on punctuation. It's something I'm not great with, when writing so I'll pay more attention to it next time.
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