ROFL Classic shit dude!

And I did it without recreational drugs of any kind!

ROFL!
-Say, have you ever taken a dump? I mean, a really _good_ dump. One that comes out smooth, no straining, little mess, not too smelly, maybe even feels kinda nice sliding out? And you're kinda groovin' on it? Then, all of a sudden, once it's already out of your ass and it's too late, you realize that your pants and underwear are still up? And you're at work, in the middle of a business meeting? Doesn't that just put a damper on the whole experience?"

Holy hell dude. I laughed do fucking hard at that one, my dad came running into my room because he thought I was having a heart attack! That was some serious funky shit! LMFAO!!!!

Really? Sweeeeet. Actually, that was one of the ones I wasn't too sure of. Further proof the comedian isn't the one who decides if the jokes are funny.

"My girlfriend said she's got pre-minstrel syndrome. That means she's just about to go from town to town singing. She made me buy her a lute and some ice cream."

This one made me crack up.

That's one of my all-time favorites too. My very Favorite favorite might be the one about 'You can lead a horse to water...'

*Twitch*

I laughed, I cried, I think I peed a little.
Seriously funny and messed up stuff right there. Love your writting.

If my words made you pee, then my work here is done.

Please don't stop on my account.

Believe me, so long as I draw breath, weird shit like this is gonna pop out of me.

I LOLed so hard, my roommate probably thinks I'm nuts xD

Then have them read it too so they'll have the same reaction! (:

-One time when I was a kid, I threw up a baloney sandwich in the 7th aisle of a supermarket. It was bright pink. The baloney had been kind of old, and Mom hadn't believed me when I said it tasted sour. We didn't really know what to do, so we just left quickly and went to another store and left the mess right there. Pointless but true.

You told this one to me once!

-I'm kind of perverted. Whenever anyone uses the phrase 'piss and moan', I immediately think of watersports.

You told a different version of this one to me once.

Hitler's first name is spelled "ADOLF" and it has the same number of letters as "OSCAR." However, "HITLER" has one more letter than "MEYER" so it doesn't quite scan anyway. Great one anyway, though.

-You know what you never see? Satanist missionaries. You never see a Satan worshipper travel all the way to Africa, then _force_ a bunch of primitive people to believe in the dark prince Beelzebub with the irresistible lure of food, medicine and shelter. You know why? Because Satanists are decent people.

TRUE.

(The rest I simply laughed out loud at. Most of 'em, anyway.)

Yeah, these have all been around a LONG time, so it's not surprising some of 'em got recycled.

Also, fuck Hitler! Like I care if I spelled that dead little fag's name right! ;)

Glad ya liked 'em!

please say you're using 'fag' as the British slang term for a cigarette

damn thats some funny stuff and very very random but still funny :3

Thanks! And if it feels random, that's probably due to the fact that this material was written over the course of a few *years*! Plus, the whole format was definitely inspired by George Carlin's Brain Droppings.

still lof funny

Said it before, and I'll say it again I love the way your mind works.

oh, and here you go http://www.cumoneileen.com/

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Damn you, internets! Why am I thoroughly not surprised?

Actually, she is pretty hot.

No argument there. The funniest thought was after that I looked for the porn version of Mary Poppins. And found it at a video store in my neighborhood. And people complain about /34/. The porn has had that number in their pocket for years.

Everyone on the internet likes to think their generation invented everything. *laughs derisively*

Funny stuff here, amigo! But what's this about 34? I may not be understanding a joke here.

This happens a lot so feel free to point and laugh. Also, please excuse any typing errors here as the 'tards in control of my room's temperature have it set at -500 or so right now...

<shiver shiver>

You Don't Know about Rule 34!? That's one of the few things to come out of chan board culture that I heartily agree with.

Rule 34 states that "There is porn of it. No exceptions"

So, 34 is often mentioned when porn is made of unexpected stuff. Like Rugrats and Snorks and Maya The Bee. (Not kidding)

For more information, click this shit, mofo: http://img.7chan.org/34/



Also, I wrote most of my novels while I was fuckin' freezin, so maybe a cold room will increase your innate creativity.

Ahhhh, so to take this to its logical conclusion, is it any bad/good/weird luck that my gamertag on Xbox Live just so happens to be...

"Zephon34"

You be the judge.

<although to my knowledge, I really don't think any porn involving me exists and the world is probably safer that way...>

Actually, Rule 35 states that if there is no porn of it, someone will inevitably draw it. This is why we have that lovely image of Hitler giving Captain Picard a dirty sanchez while Princess Di shoves a wine bottle up her snizz. I am not kidding.

You Don't Know about Rule 34!? That's one of the few things to come out of chan board culture that I heartily agree with.

Rule 34 states that "There is porn of it. No exceptions"

So, 34 is often mentioned when porn is made of unexpected stuff. Like Rugrats and Snorks and Maya The Bee. (Not kidding)

For more information, click this shit, mofo: http://img.7chan.org/34/



Also, I wrote most of my novels while I was fuckin' freezin, so maybe a cold room will increase your innate creativity.

Re the York Peppermint Patty thing:

Me too!

I always thought this joke would be perfect with Norm MacDonald saying it in Maximum Sarcasm Mode.

Maybe Steven Wright.

"A word of advice: Never piss on a cactus when you have the hiccups."

What makes you think I got this prince albert on purpose?

I got mine from a crosseyed naked man covered in filth huddled in a corner of the subway. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Awesome, I was laughing the entire time I was reading these.

Great! That's much better than weeping. Or defecating. Or gardening.

Alex, you are insane, and I liek it that way

Do you also liek Mudkips? ;)

...you, sir, are VERY strange!!! XD

which is one of the reasons I <3 ya

That's *Doctor* Strange to you!!

I personally like to set my bombs to go off with fifteen minutes left on the timer. ;3

To each his own. (:

You are seriously twisted. And I love ya for it!

.-There is nothing in the world funnier than hearing a whole room of drunken Japanese guys with thick accents all shouting "PUSSY FARTS!!!" in unison.

Oh god, someone needs to make a video like this. I laugh just READING it XD

This was inspired by that old Labatt's Blue commercial with the guy in the bear suit trying to get the Japanese guys to say 'blue'. Anyone else remember that?





"POOSEH FAAAHTS!!!"

LOL ROFL sholy hit(trying different ways to curse without getting in trouble with parents) that is hilarity (not to be confused with hilary) times... however many jokes you have 'ere. laughing too hard to count'em all.

Fothermucking awesome!

When I'm trying to avoid swearing, I like shouting nonsense words. "Fim bin jam!" and "Ten pistachio shells!" are particular favorites. They just sort of feel good in your mouth.

-Q: How can you tell a gay Hawaiian?

A: He tells you he's from the isle of Wannalickapeepee.

...
THAT, O writer of the best series ever, made me laugh enough to spray mountain dew out my nose.

Then my work here is done.

*swooooosh!*

Hahaha pretty good stuff all around. I especially like the one about the neighbor's dog when evesdropping. Heh, might have to try that sometime on a public bus just to see what happens.

Try it! Whenever I'm in public and I think people are eavesdropping, I'll start talking about the most disgusting things imaginable. Collostomy bags, used diapers, abortions, pus-filled blisters, etc. Oh, it's marvellous fun.

I was laughing all the way through this. Awesomely hilarious stuff!
btw, I'm totally going to use the "Jews in a Volkswagen" line with my friends one time.

LOL! Awesome. Just be prepared to run very fast and/or duck flying objects afterwards. ;)

Something for this:





Q:What do you call a mix of a bulldog and a shih tszu?



A: A bullshit.


"I never got those signs in hotels that say 'In Case Of Fire, Use Stairs.' Why wouldn't they just use water?"


"I went to the furniture store, and asked if they had any decaffeinated coffee tables."



For more jokes like that, google 'Steven Wright quotes'

Yep, with some of these I was trying to emulate Stephen's Style. Or George Carlin's. Remember: high school. I hadn't really found my own 'voice' yet.

-Religious Question: If you squeeze the Charmin, do you go to hell?

I have seen Hell. To get there, I figured I'd have to do more than squeeze.

So I wiped my ass on the Charmin. Then I realized that's what it was meant for in the first place. Darn.

LMAO. Nicely absurd there, amigo. ;)

You have the most f**cked up excuse of a mind I have ever seen! These jokes are absurb, disgusting and childish!
I loved it!
It was so good I wanted to hump my computer but the USB port was already being used :(

Your dick is small enough to fit in a USB port?

OHHHHHHHHHSNAP!!!

You just got served. ;)

XD Nice burn there

No hard feelings, mate. It was just too good a straight line to resist. :)

Nah of course not I enjoy a good burn especially when I give so much material to use against me lol

Once again, to masturbate, this wasn't the good text. (Not lucky with you this time)
But it was really fun. (at least the half I understand, beeing French)

If *any* of the jokes were well-constructed enough to get past a language barrier, then I'm really happy. Thanks very much, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

I alughed...And laughed...And then laughed somemore....I got strange looks from the folks at the library I was in while reading this. :3

Oh, believe me, I know the feeling! I think the first time I saw Tim Farrel's "Email" cartoon I just about had a seizure in front of everyone.

Why do they call them "watersports"? It's not water, and it's hardly sportsmanlike to piss in someone's face.

You've obviously never participated in Olympic-rules 100 meter urine-drinking.

Silly rabbit, pricks are for queers.

I've also seen: "Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks".

I've seen that before, on one of those websites that sell all those tasteless t-shirts.

Ever seen "The Madness Of Mission Six"? Coolest video game related shirt ever.

That's an interesting twist on Pac-Man...

Ah, you got it! I've showed this to other friends who've been like, "What the hell does this have to do with video games?"

I admit it took me a while-At first I thought it had something to do with Scooby-Doo, since the ghosts looked kinda like one of the villains.

I think i love you... i want to worship you... maybe for like a minute and then i'll go and find something else to do. <.<;

If you do decide to worship me, do it with cash. (Tee hee!)

-You can lead a horse to water, but you can't fit his whole dick in your mouth.


But you can sure as Hell try!

awesome. by the way, I totally did that with my cock too.

...you climbed up the Empire State Building and broke windows with it? ;)

no silly. it's not that big




yet

<chuckle> Nice.

Hehe... some funny things in it ^^

Glad ya like! :)

Fucking.
Epic.
<3

You just made my freaking week, and it's not even Monday yet - there's another half an hour of Sunday left LOL

Your satanic joke made my Facebook status, too. xD

Awwwww. Thanks. I like it when my words make people happy. :)