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About art, life and pauses
2 years ago
General
Hello, my friends.
In this post I will tell you a bit about why it's taking me so long now to draw and post anything. It's not an excuse letter, more like... "I'm sorry" letter?
TL;DR : There is a lot of shit happens in politics of my country, my family owns a ton of money to the bank not exactly by our will, art industry is in crisis because of AI, I'm anxious and sad and it's hard to me to do pretty anything now.
The full context down below.
I will be honest, it's not very easy for me to write this all. Even though I'm always honest with you and with myself on pretty everything, it's my most complaining journal ever, ahah, and I am sorry for that. I know, it's not your deal to care about my problems, but I'm writing it for you to have an understanding of why it's taking me too long to finish your commission or why I haven't draw much in later time.
I'll start with the beginning : not so long time ago I've acknowledged, that my family have a big loan. Well, big for our marks at least. My mother didn't told me just because she didn't want me to worry about this.
In couple of words - my mother decided to help her brother with loan for his business and have issued the documents for herself because of some reasons her brother couldn't do it - he have not so pretty history. But he promised to pay everything, it's just my mom is officially responsible for this loan.
I think you can guess, it was not a great decision, because her brother stopped sending money to my mother and he was taken to a clinic for alcoholics (who he is besides over things). So now she need to pay from her own salary, which is not a lot, I can tell you. Sometimes we need to think about not what we want, but what we can buy to eat.
This is probably the biggest reason for stress - I am helping with what I can, but just because of my art being so unstable, I literally can't do much. It's messing with my head really bad and I'm feeling myself useless.
I still think my mother is very honest and kind person, and she trusted her brother. I can't blame her, and she is loosing her mind because of feeling of guilt more than anyone can imagine.
Next one is this god damn AI.
I'm not planning to stop drawing just because some neural network is replacing great artists on their work places, but you know, when you're trying to make art your career and then you see some great, cool artists from industry loosing their workplaces and trying - really trying! - to find a job?? Oh, that's demotivating. I see these lay-offs in game studious, film studios, artists are working overtime just to be able to pay the rent, trying to find ANY place to get their skill working and it's making me feel myself once again really anxious - if people with such amazing skills are having problems with commissions\work places, what can I hope for?
And the most devastating theme : politics.
As you all may know, I am from Russia. From the recent time I can't tell about this without the biggest stress and sorrow - my country now is country which murder innocent people of Ukraine, and also murder people here, on it's territory.
For the last two years I have surely lost some part of my optimism. Laws here get more bloodthirsty - you can go to jail if you're not heterosexual, if you're not supporting war, if you're talking bad or critical about your government. And now there is also the most loud, cruel and disgusting murder of our fellow opposition leader happened. It's heartbreaking, I will be honest.
I can't feel myself free at the streets, I can't feel myself free with my loved one just because I don't fit into the frames of our government. That's pretty crushing.
Lately it's really hard to me not just draw, but just feel myself ok. I don't think I've ever felt myself so shitty for so long ever before.
I know it's mostly my problems which I need to solve by myself, I know that. And I don't expect you to understand me or feel sympathy to all of this, but I hope that's explains, where am I and why it's taking me so long to work properly.
Thank you for reading, for your attention and support.
I hope I will get to norm soon.
In this post I will tell you a bit about why it's taking me so long now to draw and post anything. It's not an excuse letter, more like... "I'm sorry" letter?
TL;DR : There is a lot of shit happens in politics of my country, my family owns a ton of money to the bank not exactly by our will, art industry is in crisis because of AI, I'm anxious and sad and it's hard to me to do pretty anything now.
The full context down below.
I will be honest, it's not very easy for me to write this all. Even though I'm always honest with you and with myself on pretty everything, it's my most complaining journal ever, ahah, and I am sorry for that. I know, it's not your deal to care about my problems, but I'm writing it for you to have an understanding of why it's taking me too long to finish your commission or why I haven't draw much in later time.
I'll start with the beginning : not so long time ago I've acknowledged, that my family have a big loan. Well, big for our marks at least. My mother didn't told me just because she didn't want me to worry about this.
In couple of words - my mother decided to help her brother with loan for his business and have issued the documents for herself because of some reasons her brother couldn't do it - he have not so pretty history. But he promised to pay everything, it's just my mom is officially responsible for this loan.
I think you can guess, it was not a great decision, because her brother stopped sending money to my mother and he was taken to a clinic for alcoholics (who he is besides over things). So now she need to pay from her own salary, which is not a lot, I can tell you. Sometimes we need to think about not what we want, but what we can buy to eat.
This is probably the biggest reason for stress - I am helping with what I can, but just because of my art being so unstable, I literally can't do much. It's messing with my head really bad and I'm feeling myself useless.
I still think my mother is very honest and kind person, and she trusted her brother. I can't blame her, and she is loosing her mind because of feeling of guilt more than anyone can imagine.
Next one is this god damn AI.
I'm not planning to stop drawing just because some neural network is replacing great artists on their work places, but you know, when you're trying to make art your career and then you see some great, cool artists from industry loosing their workplaces and trying - really trying! - to find a job?? Oh, that's demotivating. I see these lay-offs in game studious, film studios, artists are working overtime just to be able to pay the rent, trying to find ANY place to get their skill working and it's making me feel myself once again really anxious - if people with such amazing skills are having problems with commissions\work places, what can I hope for?
And the most devastating theme : politics.
As you all may know, I am from Russia. From the recent time I can't tell about this without the biggest stress and sorrow - my country now is country which murder innocent people of Ukraine, and also murder people here, on it's territory.
For the last two years I have surely lost some part of my optimism. Laws here get more bloodthirsty - you can go to jail if you're not heterosexual, if you're not supporting war, if you're talking bad or critical about your government. And now there is also the most loud, cruel and disgusting murder of our fellow opposition leader happened. It's heartbreaking, I will be honest.
I can't feel myself free at the streets, I can't feel myself free with my loved one just because I don't fit into the frames of our government. That's pretty crushing.
Lately it's really hard to me not just draw, but just feel myself ok. I don't think I've ever felt myself so shitty for so long ever before.
I know it's mostly my problems which I need to solve by myself, I know that. And I don't expect you to understand me or feel sympathy to all of this, but I hope that's explains, where am I and why it's taking me so long to work properly.
Thank you for reading, for your attention and support.
I hope I will get to norm soon.
This is not complaining, but explaining,
and it is very important to let your audience and clients understand
what you are dealing with, which a lot of very difficult, really painful issues.
May your family situation normalize, against all odd.
May the new regulations prevent businesses from replacing live artists with cheap software.
And may Russia be cures of this plague of war, tyranny and hate in our lifetime.
There has already been too much needless suffering and loss...
Be strong, and have faith for a better tomorrow!
I'm sure your commissioners will understand and give you all the time you need.
It's just an anxious vicious circle, you know? I need to draw, but i cant, but I must and so on, ahah
I think the bit of rest i have at the moment is helping, and we're of course working on all solutions we can come with, so there is hope, as always.
It's a difficult time for all, and everyone is pushing themselves to their limits and beyond just to get by.
Here's hoping that some changes for the good are coming,
and all those who have been struggling so hard will breathe easy once more.