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Goodbye Old Friend
8 years ago
*sigh* There is no easy way to say this, but I'm going to have to let you go one last time, Dominic. I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to say this in person. Let's face it, things have gotten awkward lately and they have been for a while. When you snapped at me about expectations, I broke down and cried for nights. It was hurtful and vicious, and most confusingly, way out of left field. I read those messages over and over again just to make sure that I interpreted them right but I find myself hurting all over again. You used to tell me that everyone has a choice in video game stories, and you made your choice. Things would've been different if you said that you couldn't return my feelings, or, that you were feeling pressure from me to love me back. I loved you enough to respect that boundary. But you know, I realized that you and Brandyn are not emotionally available enough to pursue anything beyond just sex. I wish I've known, I would've guarded myself. But sometimes, I can feel you cringe on the other end when I tell you that I love you, and it hurts, knowing that you were trying to spare my feelings.
In therapy, I was told to look back to a painful memory or person and delete it from my timeline. It is to see if the suffering was meaningful or not. And unfortunately, I realized that the relationship was one sided when I deleted you. Because it was all needless suffering. I was the one making the first move, I was the one reaching out, and I was the one making space for you in my life. Yeah, I get that you're more reactionary but when you don't make time for people, it speaks volumes of how you really feel about them. My friendship with you is not on your timetable or my convenience. Any relationship is built on how much time you make for them. Do you know what it feels like to be ignored, invalidated, and isolated, Dom? Because I felt more alone with you than I ever felt with anyone else when you fall silent, like I'm some social chore. That night with you and Brandyn was one of the happiest days of my life, because I finally got you, senpai, to notice me. But it was never meant to be. You became withdrawn and isolating with me since then. It felt like you were emotionally laboring to just to be courteous. And everyday, I wracked my brain trying to move on from you, and I can't do this endless cycle of hope and despair anymore. I find myself filled with so much hate and resentment towards you and it's not good for me. And if you valued everything I've done for you in these ten years, then you should have made space in your life for me too, but instead, you just left me alone. I didn't have expectations of a romantic relationship, but I hoped that after so long, you would try to be a more active friend. I'm going to leave you with this. You are so lucky to have Brandyn. He's so patient and supportive. And it pains me greatly that I have to let him go too. You two are a packaged deal, so I have to do it this way. I have removed all traces of you guys from my life as of now, but maybe, if we meet again, I hope it would be for a fresh relationship restart.
In therapy, I was told to look back to a painful memory or person and delete it from my timeline. It is to see if the suffering was meaningful or not. And unfortunately, I realized that the relationship was one sided when I deleted you. Because it was all needless suffering. I was the one making the first move, I was the one reaching out, and I was the one making space for you in my life. Yeah, I get that you're more reactionary but when you don't make time for people, it speaks volumes of how you really feel about them. My friendship with you is not on your timetable or my convenience. Any relationship is built on how much time you make for them. Do you know what it feels like to be ignored, invalidated, and isolated, Dom? Because I felt more alone with you than I ever felt with anyone else when you fall silent, like I'm some social chore. That night with you and Brandyn was one of the happiest days of my life, because I finally got you, senpai, to notice me. But it was never meant to be. You became withdrawn and isolating with me since then. It felt like you were emotionally laboring to just to be courteous. And everyday, I wracked my brain trying to move on from you, and I can't do this endless cycle of hope and despair anymore. I find myself filled with so much hate and resentment towards you and it's not good for me. And if you valued everything I've done for you in these ten years, then you should have made space in your life for me too, but instead, you just left me alone. I didn't have expectations of a romantic relationship, but I hoped that after so long, you would try to be a more active friend. I'm going to leave you with this. You are so lucky to have Brandyn. He's so patient and supportive. And it pains me greatly that I have to let him go too. You two are a packaged deal, so I have to do it this way. I have removed all traces of you guys from my life as of now, but maybe, if we meet again, I hope it would be for a fresh relationship restart.
