When I first attended a furry meet-up, I was insistent I was there as an observer. I always imagined the furry culture one that I could identify with, and the members people that would share my interests and personality, I wanted to make sure of this before I became emotionally invested... I remember being adamant to a fellow named scythe that I wasn’t a furry, only to have him bring up my perthfurs profile with 'pygmy dragon' listed as a species. That was a bit of a mistake on my part; a cutsey name for a species that I had obviously put a little effort into thinking up. To be honest the choice was simply logical to me, less a reflection of how I felt my exterior should look, but rather an avatar that would contain my love of dragons, being the centre of attention and the colour purple. It felt necessary to at least make an effort to fursonify myself (eugh, I cant believe I just used that word) if I was going to associate with furries. Its still odd to me how hypercute my avatar turned out to be, as I really cant stand chibi or the adolescent squeeing I often hear in response to most hypercute objects. A good friend pointed out to me (jokingly) that a few of my commissions translated to him as me being a babyfur. Rather than laugh and call him a prick, it honestly made me think.

What do I think of the babyfur community? Well heck, from what ive seen they’re a bunch of adolescence fetishists whos online behaviour matches that of a child whos age corresponds to that of their avatar. However dramatic and immature the patrons of the community are, it is in no way the reflection of the ideology behind the subculture. What is that ideology? Its hard to say really. If the ideology behind babyfur is one that reflects the primal urge everyone has to be mothered, looked after and mollycoddled, or one that reflects ones urge to go back to a time where everything was done for them, interwoven with the love of animals, the love of being adored and the human desire to show physical affection for one another outside of sexual activity, I could see it as something I could totally get into. However, the multitude of that particular community don’t reinforce these ideologies, they reinforce the desire to wear diapers and whinge. I can totally see why they’re looked down upon.

Why did Sidriel turn out so chibified and cutsey? I may have subconsciously used these ideologies as external stimuli, who knows? Does the characters hypercuteness reflect my desire to be liked? Probably. While I don’t go out of my way to befriend everyone I come into contact with, there is just something about being DISliked that really gets to me, to the point where I cant really rest at all until I know why or have successfully remedied the problem. The character probably also reflects my desire to be small. For those of you who don’t know me I am 6 foot 4, weigh 75 kg and am ridiculously good looking. I also have tall man's Napoleon complex, whereby I will look upon anyone I meet who is taller than me with hatred as they stand there actively and literally belittling me, being tall is my thing you lanky fucker. But yeah, ive always had the hidden desire to be small. While being smaller in real life confers no benefit whatsoever, besides much fewer head injuries, having a small persona on the internet was a given; I play smaller characters wherever I can in games (apart from WoW of course, gnomes and go suck a bag of dicks), I guess its a human trait to want what we cant have. I'm rediculously good looking, sure, but I'm not 'adorable' in any sense of the word. Rabbits are adorable. Purple dragons are adorable.

This brings me to my point... one thing I definitely don’t have is innocence. Ignorance of the world. Something I always imagined Sidriel to have in spades. I strive to be an academic and as a result am hyperaware of the state of the world. I am so desensitized to sex that it has gotten to the point where vanilla activities make me sicker than 2 girls 1 cup. Wouldn't it be nice to go back to a point where the world outside your bedroom didn’t exist to you? I've roleplayed with Sidriel in a multitude of ways. Unfortunately, due to the communities expectations, most of them are sexual, and Sidriel's age and size remain anomalous. Roleplays have ALWAYS felt awkward to me, as they seemed to me as the ultimate escapism for those unhappy with their own lives. I know that isn’t true, but I still have those days where I finish typing a tell about rubbing some alaskan dudes belly and wondering to myself why. The simple answer is that people use role play to enact scenarios they are incapable of enacting in real life. Most of these scenarios are ones of violence and vice, in which case grand theft auto has you covered. The rest are usually sexual fantasies that cant really be done physically. This is why vore, inflation and tentacles run so rampant in the online community I think. This is probably why I find it horrendously sad when people just want to have regular boring sex using roleplay.

Moving on... I think I need to change my avatar. When sidriel was first formed the similarities were immediately drawn to spyro. This got to me more than I let on, as it didn’t even occur to me when I was drawing him. The FACT that it got to me is the odd part, as I stated, at the time I was convinced I was just observing, and the creation of an avatar was a token offering made to feel included. Because of this I never felt completely connected to my character, so why did the spyro references piss me off? Well its probably because of my fetish for being a special little flower; I have to do the things noone has ever done before, I always play games counterintuitive subconsciously in order to be some sort of trendsetter; in call of duty mw2 I used UMPs with thermal sights almost entirely to be a smart arse little dickhead when I killed someone. (not verbally of course, the gun used to kill them is enough of a middle finger), in league of legends I played ap tristana for the sole reason of doing something I doubt anyone else had thought of. I cant take people seriously who set their personal avatars as someone else's creation without any trace of personal input, so you can imagine that 'your character looks like spyro' is the lowest blow anyone could deal me. Then My Little Pony rolls around and... jesus christ. As much as I love spike, the horny little bastard, I am literally embarrased to refer to myself as sidriel anymore, the creation has been ruined through similarity.

Lastly... is anyone out there as disenfranchised with the furry community as I am? I always considered the furry fandom as a group of people with the ability to defy human social convention and live and act in a world that let others act more primally without fear of being looked down upon, but it has ultimately translated into people who use the expectation of defiance as an excuse to act like dickheads and then scream persecution when they're called out on it. I cant really win. Is it really worth trying? I love the ideology behind this community, but its like communism – it doesn’t seem to be working in practice. To anyone who actually reads this, who has kept me added for over a year... is there any hope?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPMavwC-Zb0&feature=related

babies gunna babe.

I notice sometimes how explicit my sense of humor is. I often get giggles from discussing sexual situations ironically, but have a pet peeve for people who just talk sex all the time unironically. I am not unsure of myself here by any means. I enjoy making fun of the perverse sexual dialogue that crops up from time to time in my voyages around this society, but am usually very annoyed when people in all seriousness talk to me aout how murry purry Pluto is or whatever. I will talk about horsecock untill the cows come home, but as soon as the undertones reach the point where someone taking part in the conversation is honestly getting aroused by the subject and proceed to talk about the many ways theyd allow it to be plowed up their ass, the conversation ceases to be amusing.

Am i weird or hypocritical or anything here, my good readers? Is it wrong of me to enjoy abusing the power that centuries of cloistered religious societies have encapsulated on a few choice words, but still get peeved by people who proceed to talk about how they would go about subverting that same social convention? Its not like im immune to the sexual miscellania in this fandom, but i dont go about sharing my experiences, pleasures and fetishes in public very often, and when i do, i dont use innuendo or euphamism to make it sound cute, and i NEVER use the numerous words that have become memetic staples in the sexual community here (you know the ones), they are old and fucking cliche, i cringe whenever i see someone use these words unironically.

If anyone can translate what has been said here, can you understand where im coming from? do you get that my sense of humor allows me to poke fun at something without meaning i have a boner for it? maybe a community that only has a textual based communications medium for the mostpart is a bad choice for me in this sense, as it hard to recognise tone of voice in letters. I guess a good way of defining my sexual opinions are as follows:

sexually, i am not very forward, if im talking sex and im being forward, im probably being an asshole. lern it.

You know... seeing as how the word 'penis' derives such hatred and bloodlust in the majority of the public, ESPECIALLY among this community, i am amazed at how few alternate words there are available to use and subvert the dirtiness of the mental imagery that such a curse word sows in a persons mind.

i propose from now on, i suggest that anyone who reads this begins to address that particular external male organ as a 'plinkerdiddy'. It would mean a lot to me if you did this. Thankyou.

Ima be emo now kthx. I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here as I have in the past made fun of people for bearing their souls, so feel free to lol at the following or treat it as rubbish... cuz it is.

I often wonder if some furries don't take me seriously. I mean, the people who know me will know that I would never want to be taken seriously, as I regard life as one big joke, though I sometimes get the feeling that some things I do paint me as some sort of immature jerk. This feeling stems predominantly from the Perth furry community; The top players over here in the most isolated city on the planet are a lot older then me, and I often fear that my actions offend them to the point that I am never given a chance. Perhaps this is due to my age or my personality, but I feel that a few of the furries here are almost instantly dismissive of me. I always try to make a good first impression on everyone I meet, but that is very difficult in a textual medium, and I cant help but think I've been denied the privilege altogether. I do not know. I hope I don't need to say that I will never perform any malevolent action. Perhaps this is because I've never really been hurt, but I treat almost everyone I meet as a friend the instant I see them, and continue to do so until they give me a reason not to. In my own fucked up little mind I call this the 'innocent until proven guilty' method of social communication. From a more esoteric viewpoint I would regard myself as mentally democratic; I give everything and everyone a chance to surprise me, and have never felt the need to disallow myself from experiencing any part of the world that is weird or unfamiliar. This is one of the reasons why I got into the furry fandom. The reason I bring it up is that I seem to be alone in my democratic system of living. To anyone who reads this: am I wrong? If you were to write a mental synopsis on yourself, what would it entail?

I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here. I guess what I want to say, not that any of the people I have in mind will read this, is that I am sorry. It is probably my general ignorance that I am being sorry for. It was probably a huge mistake to go to a meet as early as I did before maturing and becoming more knowledgeable about the furry community. At PFG, not that I showed it, but I was overwhelmed with happiness; I was in the company of people who were so comfortable with themselves as people that they had the mental power to transform themselves within their own minds into what they truly wanted to be. I was wondering around, with my con badge that said 'Feral English' as a joke, with a huge grin on my face, laughing every so often as the activities persisted. When the fursuits started to come out, I was rolling on the floor. I meant no harm, but it just occurred to me the other day that my over-zealousness and general attitude on the night was probably misconstrued as extraordinarily rude. I want to say right now, that I have an inherent respect for every furry on this entire planet, even the ones who are doing it for the lulz, as they have the mental ability to show the world who they really and truly are. I envy every last one of them.

The second reason I became involved with furries is that I get a weird satisfaction out of doing things that most other people would never, ever do. I am not offended by people who would look down on me or would persecute me for doing strange things because I am fully aware that what I am doing is out of the ordinary. I would LOVE to feel like a performance piece; to be observed as a curiosity and laughed at without feeling embarrassed or belittled. I would love to be different to that great of an extent but... for some reason I cant. I don't know why. Maybe the instinctual force that tells all of us to stay with the herd, to embrace the norm is just too strong. It tugs at me every day, telling me to do what everyone else is doing. 'don't look at people on the street' it sometimes tells me. 'keep your eyes to yourself on the train' and I listen to it, hearing nullified by headphones and sight occupied by a book. Why? Am I afraid of offending someone? Is my instinctual voice of self preservation so overwhelming that it completely prohibits me from stepping outside of my comfort zone? I envy people who have found a way to silence that voice inside themselves that tells them to be normal and allow themselves to be completely free, to transform themselves into whoever or whatever they want to be. Maybe I'm just lazy, I don't know, but I always manage to find a way out of improving myself. I often sit at my computer, carefully aiming at an enemy's head through the scope of a 50. caliber sniper rifle and think to myself 'man, right now I could be drawing or studying or networking with people I like', but I very rarely do. Am I lazy? Is the cheap thrill of scoring a kill against another human being in an online game really that much of an addiction? Or do I deep down have such little faith in myself that I have becone subconsciously self-destructive? I still don't fully know what I want to do professionally. Though I guess very few people really do. I guess few people really know who they are. I guess few people can really embrace who they really are and have the courage to show the world and damn the consequences. I envy those few.

There is a third, and final reason I became a furry, ignoring the obvious love of animals. I have never told anyone this in real life.

For a long time now, even before I came out, I have had this reoccurring dream. The way I got to sleep was to design characters and stories in my head, conceptualize plots and worlds in their entirety. My favorite reoccurring character was always a dinosaur named Gyr. He was sort of a small velociraptor, if velociraptors actually did look like they do in Jurassic Park. Gyr would be in all of my stories; he started off as a blue dragon but eventually evolved into a velociraptor. The dream started one night, after I was imagining this story:

A man named Tom (coughauthorinsertioncough), living in a rural Australian area is awoken one night to a huge crash in the distance. He travels towards the source in a battered up jeep where he finds an alien spaceship crash landed. Inside is a bruised and bleeding Gyr, unconscious, whom Tom eagerly takes home with him to patch up, curious of the universe that he would quite possibly never see.

The dream starts off with Gyr sleeping in the same bed as Tom (me), quite possibly for warmth. In the middle of the night, Gyr wakes me up and quite bluntly asks me 'can we have sex?'

Dream me was quite obviously a little dumbfounded by this question. 'no, we cant' I say.

'why not?' Gyr responds.

I think about this question for a while, not because I am unsure of a reason not to, but because I am unsure of a way to explain such a reason to a life-form completely ignorant of earth social convention.

'because you are not human, you are a dinosaur.' I finally say.

'how does that prohibit us from having sex?' he responds.

'it is bestiality.' I say. 'it is illegal.'

'but we are both consenting, how is that illegal?'

My idea shot down, I quickly realize that I am trying to explain adult themes to practically a minor. I try to think of other reasons not to have sex.

'we are both males' I say.

Again, Gyr responds 'how does THAT prohibit us from having sex?'

Unable to think of a reason, I quickly move on to the next one.

'I am not attracted to you, Gyr.' I say, secure in my belief that this is a bulletproof comeback.

'Just pretend I am somebody else then.' says Gyr.

Growing a little concerned, I give one final, dismissive statement.

'I just can't, Gyr, it would be to weird.'

With that, Gyr looks me straight in the eyes and says 'why would you ever want to be normal?'

And then we have sex.

And it is good.