I haven't made a big deal out of it but I got furloughed around 3 weeks ago now and while I've been mostly fine as far as bills this month has come with a shit ton of other stuff. Like a horrible roommate full of nothing but red flags that I pointed out where red flags that stole a bunch of our shit and we had to kick out who ruined my mattress because since last February I haven't had a room or a bed I've been laying on a pile of blankets on the tiled floor in the office because the room needed to be renter ready. Man also almost killed our dog because he wouldn't stop leaving people food out for her to steal and she's elderly and does not need that much salt in her diet. I've been trying to set up commissions or a Halloween ych but I'm not gonna lie depression has been swallowing me up so hard it's not even funny. It also doesn't help that neither my mother or my other roommate respect me enough to NOT HOVER OVER ME as I try to draw shit because my mother doesn't see the big deal in knowing what fetishes their kid likes to draw for....FOR SOME FUCKING REASON.
So I get maybe 5-10 minutes to draw in an hour before someone comes in to spy on me. And, this is also means I haven't even to work on not nsfw shit because I am one of those art people that actually needs basically near silence while I'm working and they do not grasp this...I also had mysterious medical things happen and had to the doctor where the answer was 'we don't know why you're in pain but we'll run expensive tests'. I guess what I'm saying is...I'm floundering and need help but I also don't know what to do and I feel consistently bad that I'm so useless or that I don't have the mental bandwidth to actually network online through discord and stuff before my brain starts collapsing in on itself. Sorry... I'm a mess

So I realize I forgor to update that I ultimately did pack up my entire room and was dead set to move into my car but then we had 2 back to back winter freezes and I had a very terrifying and horrible realization that leaving would likely put the family dog at risk as my mother was barely taking care of herself let alone Miss Dutchess. Dutchess is 15 and old and she's started showing sign of dog dementia and really needs a lot of love and care... also working a job in the goverment is like standing at the edge of a cliff and my job at the IRS is finally paying me enought to afford to have Healthcare and pay my student loans and being in a car without this job would be ao terrififying. I caved and stayed living with my mother.
I'm not happy about it. She's been smoking in the house constantly and she just leaves trash places and lets food rot on shelves if I don't hunt it down. Today I had to call 911 because she might have overdosed on librium while saying she was going to quit. I also saw she got alcohol as well. It all smells like spilled beer. My stepdad said its my problem and to deal with it. I was kicked out of my room so it can be used by future renters so I've been sleeping on a large bundle of blankets on the concrete floor in the office and my only personal items are my computer and my clothes as of right now. Rest is packed.
I'm just kinda waiting in limbo free fall. It's whatever. I think what sucks is I was finally able to afford to see a doctor so I can start T and stuff just in time for all this BULLSHIT. Bright side my father actually had DUI training at his new job and finally respected my pronouns and name choice.
Which for him is a big deal. He's not bigoted he's just a girl dad.
I want to start T. The world is horrible right now but I want to. If only so I don't live with more regret

So my brother finally moved out and is escaping out of state to live in Pennsylvania and never be seen or talk to my shitty alcoholic mother ever again. As she's awful and refuses to get a job the house will definetly be getting foreclosed on in a month or two because she has no income for bills and I don't either. All my monthly income goes to my student loans.

Anyway this is a long way of saying I'm going to be moving into my car soon. It's my only option for not being near her. None of my friends have a place to put me. I'm already back to not being able to sleep because she's near death and blasts the TV so loud it hurts my ears and also since it's winter is constantly leaving the gas on. All this to say while I know I'm often infrequent I might be taking another LONG hiatus since I probably won't be able to access my computer once this all happens. It's just safer for me to live in my car away from this woman then even pretend I should continue humoring her for the rest of my life. Sadly my car is currently getting repaired and they're dragging their feet on this so it's probably another week minimum of putting up with this crap. I'll try to put something out before then but hate to say this might just be all got for a while

So wow I kinda didn't even process it but I've made 100 watchers. 100 people here just for my art is more than I've ever gotten on any other platform so this is very wow. Hahaha. Kinda wild. Very exciting

Thank you everyone who has decided to like my stuff

Do you ever just feel hollowed out inside as a person. But not physically but emotionally. Like everything you are has been taken out of you? And you try to fill yourself back up but instead you just give more of yourself away? Idk. Ignore me.
I am wanting ideas. Lately I've just been kinda stumped on ideas or rather I have ideas but just haven't felt compelled to act on them. So if you have any feel free to just say hey maybe this. I'm not doing requests here. Im mostly just looking for inspiration. Or just a reason to make things. I'm in a state

Don't mind me. I'm just wistfully staring at testosterone. Just been thinking about how it's been 3 years but I still haven't been able to make any changes towards changing my gender. Still haven't even been able to afford to throw out the girl clothes even though I haven't worn them outside of home loungeware. Idk. I think its because my mom forced a haircut on me a week ago and it just kinda makes me wish I would man up and just find the money to go to the doctor and get on T.
I just hate living being treated and seen as a girl. I don't like looking at myself in the mirror. I'd like people to me as a guy rather than whatever I am. I don't pass. I'm too baby faced and round for that but I want. I want my voice to not be so cute.... idk
Just feeling trans and shit these past weeks

Hi, in a bit of a financial pickle by pickle i mean my brother was in an accident and got injured at work which means hes not going to get the overtime we need for mortgage and my mom is getting retunal surgery so we're all kinda stressed and terrified. Will also admit i kept putting it off because not trying is a lot easier than trying and failing again (in general i just am bad at any of this being an artist that makes money thing. Like i just am hahhahahaa). Forgive my awkwardness

Prices:
Sketches
$20 head
$30 half body
$40 full body

Colored
$25 head
$35 half body
$45 full body

Simple Flat Shading:
$30 head
$40 half body
$50 full body

Complex Shading
$40 head
$50 half body
$65 full body

So my parents finally declared divorce which is good because they've needed one desperately for about 5 years but the ensuing fallout means we have inherited my abusive alcoholic mother and she's back in our lives and our home.

And now we're financially responsible for her. My brother and I were barely scraping buy and now we have woman who verbally and physically abuses people while also just being a walking cascade of health problems who can't even get a job because her cataracts are bad enough it's gonna keep her from getting a job. We're terrified.
I'm terrified. She broke the alignment on my brother's car yesterday and we were going to sell that car so that we could pay the mortgage. We can't get a new roommate to move in while she's here. For some reason she keeps talking like she's going to just move in completely while the two of us panic about having to sell the house.
And I can't even really help in the money department. I was scraping to make a $400 rent that covered all other living expenses. I don't know what do. I don't. Because I can't fix anything.
I can't help send mom to rehab. I can't pay for her 1000 a month in liquor and cigarettes consumption.
And I don't know what to do or if we lose the house where I will go because I've tried looking for a better job. I've tried making more money and getting a better job but I'm pretty fucking worthless and a letdown in the skills department. So its crickets. I don't even have the time between babysitting mom to do anything else so how can I open for commissions or whatever

I don't know. I just wish it would just stop doing this to me.life I mean

So my dad decided to be generous and for an early birthday gift give me a new phone and computer so I can do art again. I'd like to open up for commissions very soon since I need the money desperately. My brother has told me if I can't pay more in rent soon I get moved from my room to the 'office' it's an off room from the living room with no doors or curtains that is next to the kitchen so there's no privacy and people walking by can see whatever you do. As someone who talks to themselves a lot this is awful. Also it means: why did I even bother unpacking most of my room on his insistence if it means I have to pack everything all over again.

I've been looking for a new job but I'm me so every time I apply I get crickets or told no... hahahahahahaha

Anyway please give me like a week or 2 because I am much rusty and have forgotten a fair bit. Also... I have to work out pricing because... I haven't really ever gotten commission or people liking my work when it was just the sfw. I've only ever gotten like 3 commission ever all from friends at like nothing levels of low.
Yeah.........

So when I got this job I did the math for what i figured my paycheck was going to come out to based on tax and all that. It would have been less to live off but my quality of life was better so it was fine. My first paycheck was lower than what I expected but that's normal so it was fine.

But it keeps getting lower. This week my paycheck didn't reach 1000. I needed to be making a minimum of 2200 to meet all my bills. I have been forced into 401k plans that no matter how hard I yelled at hr was told they weren't optional and they were for my future. I have another savings thing taking %5 amd life insurance I was again not able opt out of. But even doing that math again is shouldn't have meant over $200 was missing from my paycheck.

I've tried pestering hr but half the time I just get left dangling on the phone for too long and then my phone dies because it's old. I'm scarred I wont be able to make my student loan payments and they'll defer onto my parents.
I'm scared I won't make rent and my brother will kick me out because he's been chomping at the bit to do that and keeps insisting I want to moving in with my parents again. Meanwhile my coworkers are going off about how they make by while having way more living expenses because they're real adults.
And then they yell about me getting a second job and I look at my body and how I'm in agony from sitting at a desk typing. I haven't doubled over in pain crying and almost collapsed but that shouldn't be the standard I use to work. Besides if I work in the evenings nobody is home to take care of my brothers pet bird and if she feels abandoned Cherry Pie will start pulling all her feathers. If I work weekends than I won't get the time my body needs to rest and the only kind of work on the weekends is food service or retail. And I just can't go back. If I work in a kitchen again I'll just end up having a breakdown from what happened with my last boss.

I don't have a computer just this stupid phone. And all my friends are yelling at me to where all the hats and pulls us out poverty by my bootstraps with a brand new animated show that will show the whole fucking world. They're all set to help. I just need to be the director, producer, writer, head concept artist, background artist, prop designer, voice act, and color coordinate. And just...they ask what takes so long. My mom asks why I can't jump through a million hoops to work at the bar she opened with my stepdad that is crashing to the bar. My brother says you're not really in that much pain so you can do housework.

Meanwhile my friends are annoyed I cant afford to hang out with them and I sold a large amount of my old books and nice clothing and got barely $100. I just don't know what to do. Before someone goes have you tried UBEREATS driving I can't for reason of my car the only thing of value I own that only functions by me using it as little as possible and I am a terrible driver. I avoid getting into car accident by driving as little as possible.
Idk. I'm just fucking desperate and I know nobody here cares but.... Nobody is listening anyway and if you are you have no need or desire to help a random stranger on the internet.

I finally started a new job. It's not really a raise pay wise (just .50 ¢ and honestly I'm paying way more in gas weekly now than I ever did before) but I'm out of retail and my brother while stressed almost never speaks or shows himself in front of me.

And for the first time since I think high school freshman year I feel just FINE. I feel calm. I don't feel the need to look at porn because I'm depressed and figure I might as well look at something stimulating. I don't want drink or cry. I'm not overwhelmed and I want to go outside without the feeling like I'll collapse if someone talks to me.

And I guess it's just for the first time in almost a decade I'm not in a depressive episode. I'm not feeling like I need a toy in my arms to cry in just case I get overwhelmed. I don't feel bad for not getting things done. I wrote words for my original work and didn't feel worried about meeting deadlines. I've had the emotional energy to read for the first time in forever. I've had no anxiety to little anxiety about watching new tv or getting overwhelmed by shows.

I don't know how to take any of this. I feel so relieved and happy in a way that I haven't experienced in what feels like forever. And I know it will all come crashing back once it comes back to money. I know that. I know this relief won't last more than a few weeks. But I just love knowing I feel okay. I love feeling okay and fine and like I won't get screamed at. I just feel fine even if I still lack a computer or my hands still are in pain just not as much.

Right now I just want to set the very realistic goal of buying a bonsai for myself soon. Just little things I know I can achieve

My brother is now my official house warden and its about what I expected. I'm too be as small as possible. Quiet as possible. Do all the chores and make food. I'm the new mom slave of the house as my brother slowly moves his friends in with the caveat that I try to talk to them as little as possible because I'm cringe.
If I get mad for any reason I'm to have the safety of living in a house threatened. If I cry I will be threatened. If I say do it yourself I will be threatened.
I know my brother doesn't want me living here. I know he would rather I lived anywhere else. He's constantly ranting about his plans for the house and his plan is I will eventually not even have a room. He wants to literally put me in a storage shed out back and forget I exist.

But also he's excited for me to be working at tesla with him as my boss and I'm like hahahahahahaha I had a breakdown during my fucking interview and started crying and if he hears that I failed he'll kill me.

We had house construction last week that we were told about at the last possible minute that involved clearing out the entire upstairs of as the text at the time said everything. I panicked and got overwhelmed because I couldn't skip work and didn't know how I was going to manage that and also had to skip lunch at work that day because 2 different people went on vacation that week and I didn't have time for breakfast since I got that text and hr before my shift and had to scramble to work. The construction workers then made off with the cable we need for the Insta pot and microwave so I couldn't make anything so I just didn't eat. I worked nonstop packing my room panicking and crying because i wasn't even sure where to put anything and then my brother laughed and me and called me an idiot. Because they're just working on the floors. Why did you start doing all this. And I very overwhelmed pointed out the text and was called a moron. And I was relieved because my room has been basically nothing but boxes since 2020 when my parents assumed after college they could wash their hands of me.
I was mocked again that morning for getting as much as I could into the garage since the text also said they'd work Sunday. It went about as well as the last time and I just kinda cry screamed because I was running late to work and desperate to get much done with the treat all left behind would end up in a dumpster.
Hahahahha stupid me.
They're not even working on that yet and they laughed and threatened me. Called me a moron. The usual. They did in fact work on my room.
Like I was told.
I didn't get to eat anything of substance for almost a week because of construction. My brother laughed and just bought food for himself.
All while going off about being frugal on our food budget.
I couldnt even eat what I stole from work because when I'm hungry I'm nauseous and also my mouth has been in immense pain. I also stopped taking lunch at work every other day to make 30 minutes extra on the clock. It's allowed me to have a budget of $20 I can spend on myself but I was required to buy toilet paper and detergent so I didn't have any for food.

Everyone keeps saying just move out and leave but then what? I don't have anywhere to go. I'm still in this cosign and if I don't lay my student loans my parents get punished for it. Meanwhile all my friends offer impossible pipe dream ideas that would never work.

And they're busy actually obtaining those goals they've worked towards. My best friend landed herself a job as a lead animator for a self help group doing animated story books. One of my other friends has fucking Bethesda looking at their video game and offering funding and help if the crowd funding goes through. Charn got himself lead in marketing while teaching inner city kids in Cleveland animation. Savs is working on film sets and is never anywhere more than a month and has a long term partner. The platonic love of my life works their dream coder job and never plans to move out of their parents house.

I'm just here. In the way. They all say when they have the ability they want to pull me along with them but how is that fair? They're all working so hard and doing so much and I'm just an indecisive lard who can't seem to do more than just stare at a screen.

If I could be anything at all I would like to be an owl. I would like to be a spoon. Or a tea cup. I'd like to be a number of things. I'd like to be a rat.

But I'm stuck in this hunk of flesh tired and unable to do anything.

If anything it be great to be a mushroom

Kinda been unsure on making a journal for forever because I know my complaining about how shit my life while not producing anything is annoying. But here is the update.

Still don't have a computer and I honestly fear I can't make art again even if I do get one back. Just holding a pencil hurts so much and I hate it. I've tried just doodling nonsense on scrap paper and it hurts after a few minutes. I majored in animation. Art is the only thing I have that makes life worth it and it hurts to much to do. Even typing is agony after an hour.

But then I think oh right. Ai is ruining everything so there's no future for me anyway. Besides, this account which is for my rushed porn art did a million times better anything sfw I did in a few months than those accounts did in 6 years.

I did scrape what little I had going to a different doctor for help and got the same treatment as last time. That while I am definitely developing carpal tunnel it's nowhere near advance for me to be feeling the pain that I am reporting. I was accused of trying to fish for opioids when I asked if muscle relaxers were an option since I used them once when this first started and they helped a lot.

My coworker blamed me and yelled at me for celery getting soft towards the center of the stalk and told me all the products shrinking out was my fault. Also just more outright transphobia and racist shit like being allowed to say slurs if the person proves they're in line with the negative stereotypes.... I love this job I can't seem to leave no matter what I do 🙃.

My brother is now my new warden and my food budget is $3 a day now and I have been force applied to tesla because no matter how many jobs i applied to or how many places I looked or called i couldn't get anything. I had one hope in an irs hire on the spot job fair. I cannot express how all my hopes were dashed when I couldn't get a start date no matter who I called or emailed.

I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm hungry. And I can't seem to do anything right and I don't know why.

I feel like I'm punished for trying to be a good person. Like when I try to do the right thing I get slapped for it later despite myself. I try to take care of myself and eat healthy and instead I'm having trouble eating when I do get food because of cavities and I can't afford to go to a dentist.

And when people offer food its all sugar. And I can't say no because I'm hungry and they're trying to be kind.

I try to be considerate as people tell me how they think my existence is disgusting. I try to just be the better person. Put up with how nobody cares to hear me enthuse about doll design or video games. I try so hard and it never seems to work.

Sorry. People must be sick of these. I just don't know what to do and I hate that everyone keeps saying it will be fine you have a degree. You can get a job easily when the past 2+ years have proved otherwise

In true to me fashion my life continues to just fall apart. My car got towed while trying to get Christmas gifts and I ended up stranded in flood rains unable to call anyone. My job has cut my hrs for this week and the tow cost half a week's wage. I have been nauseous for 4 days. I finally got an interview for the first time since September and it was immediately canceled 30 minutes later.
Everyone wants to put me in a cage or a terrarium and lay out my entire life and at this point I might as well let them. Every time I try to go out on my own or look for my own way it goes wrong.
I'm just so tired. I can't write anymore. I can't draw. I can't do anything. All I can do is just rot.
The one good thing is now that we don't have a kitchen anymore I don't have to get up every other hour at night to check that the gas is off

So good news is I'm not living out of my car yet. My parents got into basically a week long screaming and not quiet hitting each other as they force one in another match so I got my next paycheck not time for them to notice I hadn't paid rent yet and then quietly give it to them two weeks late. It got pretty bad ngl. I was close to calling the police and had to hide in the closet because my mom kept trying to drag me in to use as shield.
I'm pretty sure at this point she's trying to kill us all. I woke up to smelling monoxide and found the stove top turned on. This isn't the first or probably last time it's happened. The worst part is she won't ever admit its happened or possible. She'll blame the dogs but it's not possible because for that they'd need thumbs. Idk. I feel like living in my car would be better in general if only because then I wouldn't constantly be worried about monoxide poisoning

Well I'm set to be homeless in like 4 days and my job prospects failed spectacularly as they always do and I haven't been able to feel my fingers in weeks and... I just can't find the energy to even care. I just can't seem to or know how to. It sucks. It hurts? No it really doesn't. All I feel in numb apathy and a desire to just lay and rot. I want to feel better. I want to. But I just have been presented over and over with bad opportunity after bad opportunity and all I get told is well you chose this. You picked this. You wanted this. And I don't even care to make the argument anymore. I had plans to die back in March but do to cosign on my debt my folks would be made to pay and then they'd be homeless. I'm tired. I'm ashamed. I am worthless and in too much pain to function half the time for what is asked. And I just haven't the will to care

I've been considering to have a case of actually uploading something doing straightforward lewd stories. I don't know if this would actually interest anyone all considering. But... Its kinda all I got. I still don't have a computer. I still don't have a way to do commissions. My attempt at a second job turned out to be a scam and wasn't even gonna pay 100 a week and such. My third job tell through do to the second job and well.... I'm looking to be homeless in november at this rate. So yeah

So... 90% sure I'm going to be homeless next month. My folks increased my rent to $400 when I barely had $10 leftover when it was $225. I got a new job that paid more but needed me to still be at my current job with slightly less hours and then proceeded to get next to give me no fucking hrs and only 100 in two weeks. My bank account hasn't been this low since I was last between jobs and I'm scared. I can't sell plasma due to being anemic. I can't do emergency commissions because I don't have a computer and any time I've ever been like hey I really need money bad it's only ever gone poorly. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm making it this month or any month. But it's not like anyone out here cares

So after getting over covid my parents have decided to raise my rent again but won't if I become the household maid and cook... While I work 3 other jobs because I'm supposed to work my current job a new part time job and when I'm not at home cleaning I'm supposed to do Ubereats. Also I need to be strong because as mom who only cares about booze and cigarettes put it she needs to do even less than before because she lost 8 pounds due to covid. Also she worked 4 jobs while raising my sister so I should totally do the same for her and her husband who makes literally 6 figures needs me to pay for my part of rent. What I hate most is I both still lack a computer and I still don't have the means to just move out and get away from both of these horrible toxic people that I hate.

After doing everything I can to noy get covid and being as much of a hermit as humanely possible I got it. I'm already paycheck to paycheck and my folks raised rent so I'm not even going to break even with full hours let alone with missing almost 4 days of work so yay. I still don't have computer otherwise I'd ask for commissions. God my luck is just so good 👌👁👅👁👌

So for anyone who cares I still dont have computer after a month of trying to save. The motherboard fried and it be a lot to replace it but also I don't have the funds to buy a new shitty computer that can barely run. I had interviews for new better paying jobs and the were a bust. Also my current job has become so bad for my carpal tunnel I've not been out braces for last 3 weeks. That's why I haven't been uploading. All I have is phone and hands that can't art. So I can't even be like hey I'll do commission

So... My only object of value I owned my computer is bricked. The motherboard fried. It's fried and I can't afford repairs so i don't have a computer anymore. I can't make art. I can't because I don't have the money for even the shittiest computer. But also my body has decided to be broken. My carpal tunnel is so bad I almost passed out at work. I'm paycheck to paycheck so you can imagine why I haven't gone to the doctor. I can't even afford death and I don't know what to do

So in typical fml of course this would happen my computer decided to just stop working. And so now i have to take it in and get it fixed. I can't afford this and I cant afford a new computer. I can't even afford lunch. I've been drinking soy sauce packets from the stores sushi display for half a year now. This of course followed my parents calling everything i own worthless junk and throwing things at me. Getting the therapy putty I use for carpal tunnel everywhere because no one listens to me when I say its sitting in that one specific spot for a reason and I never borrowed a container because you'd just yell at me if i did. More getting called worthless. More if it wasn't for the cosign on your student loans we'd kick you out into the streets already. More you're just as worthless as this junk. Oh and you need therapy because your room isn't absolutely spottless. Not to mention I might loose like basically everything I've been working on for the past 3 years. So yay my entire art portfolio gone. Again

I think i'm just going to quietly disappear and never art again because I forgot I'm me and am like.... full of shame and embarrassment at everything I do and nothing in my life ever goes well. Like the art was fun for a bit. Honestly I've gotten more attention on this shit in under 5 months than over 6 plus years doing art online. But.... then I just got more and more ashamed and cringed by myself because I hate myself. Hate my own thoughts. Hate my own art. I don't know why I thought getting a degree in animation was ever a good idea. I'm worthless and can't get a job in the industry I majored in. I don't know why I bother. I mean i fucked up my own body permanently at college and can't really art to the extent I want to. So like.... i can't actually get a job because I'm technically disabled and can't do anything. I will never be able to afford to move out of my parents house so they can keep telling me i'm worthless forever. I don't want to be alive. I don't want anything. I don't want friends. I don't like anyone ever knowing me. I just don't want...

I don't know. I made this whole thing as a hail marry get to be a point I can get out of this fucking hole i'm in. But... I don't and can't. I hate myself too much to keep doing shit like this. Like... who'd even want this shit anyway? it's ugly. it's gross. I hate it. I hate everything i like. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be online. I don't want to but I don't even know how to make it as artists outside of this. What i want is to fucking die. I wanna die. I wanna die.

My parents can just collect my life insurance and use that to retire. I'm just a failed investment at this point anyway. My friends will get over it. Nobody on here gives a shit about me. I'll just be one artist not uploading. My friends and shit don't need me or care about me that much and if they do it's because they like what they think i am. Whatever. I just hate. I am full of hate. I am an awful person and i want to killmyself

So I'm currently in the process of setting up a patreon for my stuff because I am drowning in student loan debt and need to eat. Plus my sfw career has been.... abysmal. In less than one week both this account and deviantart account i set up have amassed double the amount of and views combined followers I have on 4 different media platforms over the course of 6 plus years in the span of a fucking week. Which is... not gonna pretend that doesn't sting a lot. So yeah... I will have a patreon set up probably soon and hopefully I will actually get money from it to pay my bills so I'm not eating bread covered in lip balm and mayo packets for lunch anymore...

The perks for most part are just right now easy access and poll voting rights for like a monthly single image.... but idk if yall want it to that cool! i also have a kofi

https://ko-fi.com/tehmeepishere

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=68992517

like here's a link. please feed me. i is hungry

but also... idk... i don't even know how to monetize anything anymore. i'm a broken artist who wishes i never went to college and wants to die 88% of the time