Hi! Just in case anyone missed my journal back in April of 2016- I have moved to a new account!

 SpottedChai  SpottedChai  SpottedChai  SpottedChai  SpottedChai  SpottedChai  SpottedChai  SpottedChai

Come and follow me over there if you haven't already! New art, and now offering commissions again!

I've been wanting to do this for a while now, and finally decided to do so! I haven't gone by Tsuhara in a long time, and it just seemed like a good time to make a new account and get a fresh start! I'll probably work on transferring work I've done over there, as well as anything new from here on out! If you'd like to continue to follow me, here's my new account! It's pretty empty at the moment, but I'll be working on that soon!

 SpottedChai

I've been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking about things lately. I had to make a difficult decision, but I know in the end it's for the best for both of us. I realized that I haven't really been happy and that there were factors that just couldn't be changed. I realized my feelings had changed and that I was becoming somewhat numb as a person at home, and in general. I won't really go into it much other than that. I still respect and care about Darren and not everything needs to be public knowledge. We are no longer engaged and no longer together. It wasn't fair to either of us to continue on, and I really do wish all the best for him. We still have the matter of selling the house and tying up all of our affairs in that respect. But I just wanted to let you guys know.

So, the convention part of MFF was nothing special. Honestly I never really looked into any of the panels, and only checked out the Dealers Den on Sunday. I did suit a little bit, which was fun. But to be honest, the part I was looking most forward to was seeing great friends, which was the best part of the whole convention! I think we may just do a day trip to MFF and otherwise just plan on doing our own little Homecons with dear friends.

So most of my time at the con was spent hanging out with  Xaviera and  Nikola and their friend Jayef (who was a lot of fun!) and of course  geckoguy123456789 and  DarrenCax good friends, good wine, and just catching up, talking, playing Cards Against Humanity. Hands down the best part of the 'convention' for me! On Sunday we decided it would be more fun to check out early and have everyone stay the last night at our place :) like I said to Xavi- home cons are best cons!

I also finally got to meet  Nikola in person after years of knowing her online/ working with her! She's absolutely delightful and I really enjoyed hanging out and talking with her, I feel we definitely hit it off quite well! Darren and I can't wait to plan a trip to New York to spend more time with Xavi and Nika!

Also got to ask them an important question... I had been thinking about it for some time, but felt it was better to wait until we were in the same room x3 We asked them if they would be willing to stand up in our wedding, and they accepted! I'm so happy! Xavi has become a very close and dear friend of mine (and a good friend of Darren's too!) but he's just been been there for me so much, and is always offering a shoulder to lean on, a real true friend that I love to pieces. I've known for a while that I really wanted him to be a part of our special day. Then especially after finally getting to meet Nika in person and get to know her better, I feel like we mesh really well together x3 I wish we all lived closer, double dates with them would be THE BEST! But we for sure want to see more of them, and preferably more than just once a year! So thrilled they will be part of our wedding, I feel so lucky to have such lovely friends!

I definitely feel a little blue having to have said goodbye to everyone yesterday, and I definitely got a little misty when they left, and then later... But I feel lucky to have friends that are so wonderful that I love and miss so much when they leave.

Even if the con itself was a bit of a bust, the weekend was still wonderful , now I'm just having fancy feline withdrawals x3 (and lynnec withdrawals too!)

Conventions Name:
Midwest FurFest!

Website:
https://www.furfest.org/

Transportation type:
Kia Sorento

Where are you traveling from:
New Lenox, IL (such a long drive... haha)

Hotel you're staying at:
The Westin...I think? Wherever we stayed last year XD

Dates: December 4th-6th

Rooming with:  DarrenCax and  geckoguy123456789

Gender:
Female

Orientation:
Straight

Relationship Status:
Taken

What do you look like
mostly a girl or a wild dog... occasionally a big angry red and black fox..

Fursuit(s):
Chai (!!!) and Chemic

Who you will be with a majority of the time: This awesome bunch of people!
 DarrenCax  geckoguy123456789  Xaviera  Nikola

Main purpose for attending:
Having fun with friends! And also having a valid reason to run around in a an animal costume.



When you usually eat:
When I remember to?

Where do you eat?
Mostly we've eaten at the hotel in the past, but we'll see about maybe branching out a little!

Parties:
I fully intend to booze it up with friends! (Fuckin' right there, bud!)

Fursuiting:
Yes! 83

Daily activities:
Mostly wandering around, hanging out with friends... being a goofy wild dog :3

Nightly Activities:
...they will probably mostly involve booze, and friends :3

What time I usually go to bed and get up:
Late and late.

Do you talk out of suit:
.... uhm... this is an odd question. But yes.

Do you talk in suit:
sometimes

Rules of engagement out of suit:
Saying hi/handshakes work well ^^ if I know you, I like hugs ^^

Rules of engagements in suit:
I love giving hugs in suit! and generally like interacting and having fun

How far is too far:
no weird stuff. I once had an old man ask me if he had to behave... (I was in suit) that was too far :P

Can I dance with you:
If I am either a.) drunk enough to dance or b) in suit- sure! Otherwise I'm pretty awkward about dancing in front of people (even though I like dancing!)

Can I take pictures with you:
In suit, sure! out of suit- please ask (though why you'd want to take pictures with me..I don't know)

Can I buy you things:
That's not necessary

Best communication medium to reach you:
Skype, most likely!


I CAN'T WAIT!!!! Logan (Gecko) is coming in Wednesday, and Xavi and Nika (and 2 of their friends) will be coming on Thursday!!! HOUSE PARTY!! 8D My spots are vibrating with excitement x3

Trying to get myself back in some sort of schedule... and I'm not doing the best with it! Haha.
Commissioners who are on my list- I will still be trying to make sure I get the current sketch list done by the end of November :) I've got I think 7-8? which I should be able to handle. I've just got to work on my time managing.

I do have a new job! The interview went well, so a few days in we decided it was a good fit for everyone :) Stuff is going very well, but I'm just adjusting to the schedule :) I work mostly in the afternoon/evening, which is great because I don't have to get up early! It also makes it easy to be lazy and not be very productive before going to work at 2:30/3pm ^^;; So, I need to get better about that!

My sleep schedule is also still a little out of whack from when my anxiety was really bad, but it's slowly getting better. It's 1:30am and I'm really tired and ready to sleep, so it's a step in the right direction!

So, forgive me if I'm a little slow, just getting myself sorted back out ^^

Hi everyone!
I'm back from my vacation to Florida/ Disney World! I had a great time, and even better, my Mom had a wonderful time! She said it's the best vacation she's had in years ^^ She really deserved to fully enjoy it, after all she has been through! She did really well too, we had to keep up with her! It did me and my Dad so much good to see Mom so happy and vibrant <3 We just had a really great time and really relaxed and had fun! So much needed after this past year!

The last day of the trip I got some exciting news, too! A person I had interviewed with about a nanny position asked if I was still available to be their nanny, and now I have a working interview set up for tomorrow! (well...actually today XD) at 2pm! I'm SO EXCITED and really hoping it works out! I'm hoping I'll have more info after the working interview! ^^ My main focus, according to the mom, would be taking care of the 2 month old baby girl, which I would LOVE! I can't wait for tomorrow afternoon!

So hopefully I'll have some more info soon! I've been doing some work on MFF prep, and just getting settled back in after my trip- I'll be working on commission stuff soon, too! Between medication, vacation, and work outlook improving, I'm feeling SO much better! (emotionally, and physically too! My back feels great these days!) Luckily I've had an AWESOME support system, too!!! I feel like I'm finding my way to a better lifestyle, so to speak ^^ A job that makes me happy, a renewed motivation for art, and embracing those real, true friends and letting go of the so-called ones I thought old coworkers were. Things are looking up!

I'm looking to fill some slots to be completed during the month of November! I figured a number of slots that I should be able to easily handle for the coming month, and figured I'd could help add a little cash to my 'vacation fund' so I can pick up some fun gifts for my family while in Disney World this coming week! I may even bring some art supplies with, in the case I have some downtime at night and want to work a little (we'll see!)

I will be back on November 2nd! (And I will finish my current sketches before I leave on Friday!). Color work will be done as my schedule permits, now that my back is in better shape (I need to work at a desk, whereas I can sketch wherever. )


Details:
1-2 characters, shaded sketches like what you have seen in previous commission work - tons of examples in my gallery! I do spend a fair bit of time on these, so they are $25 per sketch. I'd prefer to keep it around 2 characters max, but you can always inquire ^^ Added characters would be an additional charge. Payment is required upfront- preferably withing 24 hours of your slot being confirmed.

I do have some restrictions on what I won't draw: violence/gore, vore, anything depicting young characters in adult situations, oversized/overly large (non-nantural) pregnancies , and preferably no crazy weird kinky stuff XD

-obviously if you've seen my gallery, you know I enjoy drawing pregfurs, so that's a subject that's always welcome ^^ But I'll let you know if it's a subject I'm not comfortable with, or don't think I can do justice ^^

Please Comment to claim a slot! If you wish, you may claim multiple slots! I'll check back in in the morning/afternoon to check back with everyone who would like a slot :)


SLOTS!: Sketch commissions- Completion during the month of November!
1.  Xaviera
2.  Xaviera
3.  Nidofur
4.  Nyghtpanthyr
5.  Nyghtpanthyr
6.  Feligris
7.  Feligris
8.  geckoguy123456789
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.

Thank you for the support and understanding ^^

I'm finally starting to feel more like myself, and just 'normal' which is good! I was forgetting what 'normal' felt like!

I am still working on commissions!! I got 2 roughed out tonight, and I'll have one more after that! The last we still need to hash out details and all that stuff x3 So no biggie! I may open more after this round. If people would be ok on a longer-timeframe turnaround? (I'm talking like 4-5 weeks? just to give myself some wiggle room.) I'm going to Florida on Friday and could use a little extra cash for the trip (I actually do a lot of Christmas shopping for my family on the trip usually, all big Disney fans!) So I'm wondering how people would feel about that? Please let me know! I probably offer 10 or so slots for that timeframe. (And I'll probably be working on color pieces here and there in between!) As my anxiety has stabilized, I'm feeling more productive! ^^

By all means, let me know if people are interested and I'll post something about it in the next day or so if people are up for it!

---

CURRENT SKETCH QUEUE

1.  jamcat PAID: rough sketched
2.  geckoguy123456789PAID: rough sketched
3.  lliw PAID:
4.  Nikola waiting for details and payment

Hi Guys,
Just wanted to let you know that for those who have paid, and we have details hashed out- I am running a little behind! I'm going to work some over the weekend, of course, now that I've hopefully got things going in the right direction. I don't forsee this delay taking over a week, but just wanted you guys to be aware of what's going on!

If you don't mind reading, here's the long version- TL/DR further down!:

I'm no stranger to anxiety, I had some social anxiety issues all through grade school, high school, and by the time I was in college, I had started developing better coping mechanisms (however, public speaking class was still a nightmare- that I didn't do well with). But I dealt with it on my own and figured that I had mostly gotten it under control. I haven't had many 'flare-ups' in the past several years. I suppose I figured it was something I was capable of 'just dealing with'.

My work environment has been... well, less than ideal. Working with people who are vindictive, and can be very unprofessional, and well.. it's just a pretty toxic environment. I noticed that I had been feeling more anxious regarding going to work, especially on days I had to work with certain people. Well, then I hurt my back, and my anxiety shot through the roof. (my managers have been pretty crappy about the whole situation. long story) But the anxiety has been a daily thing for almost 4 weeks now. At first, I chalked it up to just being a worrier and overthinking things, and worrying too much about what they were thinking and doing...but it's been getting worse. I don't go to bed until 4 or 5am most nights, none of my usual coping mechanisms are working, and it's interfering with my daily life. I spend a lot of time in my own head, just feeling all strung out and trying to distract myself, and not really getting anywhere.

So, I finally decided, after talking with Darren and my Mom that maybe a doctor visit was in order. I really didn't want to go on anything long-term or daily medication, because I didn't want to be dependent on something.. but after talking to the Nurse Practitioner, the treatment plan and explanation of how things work and my specific situation, I think the benefit outweighs my opposition of medicating. Because I've been having issues on a daily basis, a medication to 'just calm me down' isn't a good option. Stuff like xanax isn't really good for long-term management (for my specific scenario). It should really only be used for panic attacks/ situations that cause my anxiety to get really bad. So she decided to put me on Lexapro, and did give me xanax for panic attacks, and to help until the Lexapro has time to build up in my system. They are also testing my thyroid and blood sugar and a few other things, I think, but since those can also cause similar feelings if they are out of whack. Since I felt this was all due to work situation, and being off work for my injury, and I'm working on finding another job with a much better environment, so I feel like I will even out better after that, I wanted to know if I could come off of it once I felt that the issues were resolved. I can, but she recommends giving it at least 6 months before weaning off of it. I figured that sounded fair enough. Short term plan to help me through a rough patch.

I am experiencing some start-up side effects, like nausea, headache, and some disorientation- but from what I've heard and read, these are pretty normal and drop off after a week or two. I just got the medication on Thursday, so bear with me! My anxiety was really bad Tuesday-Thursday, so I haven't been very productive. But the xanax is helping for now while the other stuff builds up, so I should be a little more functional!

Also- I did see my back doctor as well- only light duty (which my managers won't let me do) until I'm done with Physical Therapy. So basically, I'm still excused from work on doctor's orders. So yeah, I still have a lot of time on my hands :P (I am looking into other jobs though, so hopefully I'll find something soon! - hopefully for the first week of November- after my vacation.)


TL/DR:
I have been having some anxiety issues for the past 4 weeks, they kept getting worse and interfering with my daily life so I decided to see my doctor's nurse practitioner. I just started Lexapro for my anxiety, and have Xanax in the meantime to help with the panic attacks. I'm getting used to start-up side effects, and also trying to get the anxiety under control so I can be more productive! Short term plan (about 6 months) just to help get me through this rough spot. But, I've not been so productive this week, having several bad days. But, I am working on taking care of it. So, hopefully you'll understand if there's a slight delay- but I don't forsee it being longer than a week! I'm still off work, so I do still have a lot of time on my hands!

**Please check the current Queue at the bottom for quick status updates about your commission. I update that pretty regularly while I'm working- so it will let you know if I've started your commission yet, and what stage it's in!


Thanks for reading, I will be sure to note current commissioners with this journal link so everyone sees! Also- if I am delayed in responding, sometimes it has been because I'm stuck in an anxiety rut and then I forget to get back to it. I apologize- part of the reason I wanted to get this addressed, besides the fact that feeling like this sucks, is that I just don't feel like myself when it gets bad. I shy away from people/ shut down/ get short with people. It's better with those I'm close to, but for people I don't know that well, it's harder.


Sorry for the long vent-y kinda journal, but just wanted to make sure you guys know what's up!

---

CURRENT SKETCH QUEUE

1.  jamcat PAID
2.  geckoguy123456789PAID
3.  Nikola waiting for details and payment
4.  lliw PAID

Hello! So since I am not currently offering a color option- if you've commissioned a sketch from me, I've given my friend  geckoguy123456789 the permission to color them for commission! He's very reasonable, and he does an AWESOME job!! So if you're interested in seeing your piece(s) come to life in color, hit him up!

Here's his journal with pricing and details! :3


http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7085122/

---

And just so it's easily visible, pasting my queue here for commissioners to see where I'm at progress-wise ^^


CURRENT SKETCH QUEUE- 1 week max turnaround time!

1.  jamcat waiting for payment
2.  dekopuma PAID: Roughed out: refining and shading
3.  KanrodStavoyan PAID
4.  GMSkin86 PAID
5.  geckoguy123456789PAID
6.  Nikola waiting for details and payment
7.  lliw waiting for details and payment

So the commissions have been going well! It feels nice to be creative again, and to feel like I'm still working some, even with being off from my normal job. :3 I missed being active in the community!

With that said, I'm going to start up another round, I expect to be done in a few days, but I do have an apppointment on Monday and plans on Tuesday, so it might be a little longer, depending on what happens. But it should be 1 week at the most!

Details:
1-2 characters, shaded sketches like what you have seen in previous commission work - tons of examples in my gallery! I do spend a fair bit of time on these, so I think I'm going to price them at $25 per sketch. Hopefully that's a fair price! I'd prefer to keep it around 2 characters max, but you can always inquire ^^ Added characters would be an additional charge.

I do have some restrictions on what I won't draw: violence/gore, anything depicting young characters in adult situations, oversized/overly large (non-nantural) pregnancies (willing to do larger taurs within reason ) , and preferably no crazy weird kinky stuff XD

-obviously if you've seen my gallery, you know I enjoy drawing pregfurs, so that's a subject that's always welcome ^^ But I'll let you know if it's a subject I'm not comfortable with, or don't think I can do justice ^^


SLOTS- 1 week max turnaround time!

1.  jamcat
2.  dekopuma
3.  KanrodStavoyan
4.  GMSkin86
5.  geckoguy123456789
6.  Nikola
7.  lliw

Please comment here to claim a spot! Once I confirm your slot, please send me a note with details and I will note back with paypal info! ^^

-I am going to bed soon, so if you don't hear back from me until tomorrow, don't worry! I'll take slots in order of the comments. I may take 1-2 extra commissions this time around, but I'm not sure! I'll sleep on it and decide tomorrow! ^^

Since I finished the last batch of commissions in a reasonable amount of time, and since I'm still off work, I figure I'll open up some more slots to at least have some income coming in! Really enjoying working on these, and I've had some fun ideas to work with, so I'm looking forward to doing more! These will be quick-turnaround just like the last batch, I'll say 2-3 days to give some wiggle room, and if I finish early, I can start up another round sooner! (also gives time to hash out details, get payment squared away, etc.)


Details:
1-2 characters, shaded sketches like what you have seen in previous commission work - tons of examples in my gallery! I do spend a fair bit of time on these, so I think I'm going to price them at $25 per sketch. Hopefully that's a fair price! I'd prefer to keep it around 2 characters max, but you can always inquire ^^ Added characters would be an additional charge.

I do have some restrictions on what I won't draw: violence/gore, anything depicting young characters in adult situations, oversized/overly large (non-nantural) pregnancies , and preferably no crazy weird kinky stuff XD

-obviously if you've seen my gallery, you know I enjoy drawing pregfurs, so that's a subject that's always welcome ^^ But I'll let you know if it's a subject I'm not comfortable with, or don't think I can do justice ^^



SLOTS!: Sketch commissions- 2-3 day turnaround time!
1.  Feligris PAID: COMPLETE!
2.  Xaviera PAID: COMPLETE!
3.  BrassLion PAID: COMPLETE!
4.  GMSkin86 PAID: COMPLETE!
5.  MalyDude PAID: COMPLETE!
Comment here to claim a spot! Once I confirm your slot, please note me with the details! payment can be made through Paypal to TsuharaWolf(at)gmail.com

Alright guys, with the response on the last journal, and the fact that I really could use a little income while I'm off work, I will be opening some commission slots!!!
Right now I've got the remaining sketch commissions from my last round roughed out, I'll be finishing them up tonight :3

Alright, so I will open a handful of slots, to be done over the weekend! My plan is to have these done by Sunday night, and kinda gauge what I'm able to handle in a day. Since I may be off for another potentially 2 weeks, if I can establish a good flow, it'd make for helpful added income ^^ But I want to make sure people aren't left hanging for a long time, and I don't overwhelm myself :) (trying to learn from past mistakes!)

Details:
1-2 characters, shaded sketches like what you have seen in previous commission work - tons of examples in my gallery! I do spend a fair bit of time on these, so I think I'm going to price them at $25 per sketch. Hopefully that's a fair price! I'd prefer to keep it around 2 characters max, but you can always inquire ^^ Added characters would be an additional charge.

I do have some restrictions on what I won't draw: violence/gore, anything depicting young characters in adult situations, and preferably no crazy weird kinky stuff XD

-obviously if you've seen my gallery, you know I enjoy drawing pregfurs, so that's a subject that's always welcome ^^ But I'll let you know if it's a subject I'm not comfortable with, or don't think I can do justice ^^


So, I think I've covered everything... little rusty at doing these journals!

SLOTS!: Sketch commissions- Weekend Completion! (Sunday night/Monday morning at the latest)
1.  KanrodStavoyan PAID- COMPLETE!
2.  lliw PAID- COMPLETE!
3.  geckoguy123456789--- : COMPLETE!
4.  geckoguy123456789--- : COMPLETE!
5.  Rush Deersky PAID- COMPLETE!

Comment to claim a spot!

FOR THE BORING BACK INJURY CRAP- LOOK HERE- INTERESTED IN QUICK TURNAROUND COMMISSIONS- LOOK TOWARD THE END!!!


The couch and I have become good friends.. sadly not by choice. :P

Last week on Monday, I went to bend down (I think I was trying to straighten out a rug by the door..can't even remember.) But my back went POP, aaaand then there was lots of pain. After talking myself into going to immediate care (since I was hardly able to move, and had a full week of work ahead) I told myself I should just so I could get some pain meds to be able to function at work. Darren drove me over and basically was just given meds to manage all the pain until I could see my spine doctor, since I have a history of disc issues. The doctor there said I shouldn't go to work the next day (haha, there would have been NO way, I had to convince myself over the course of an hour that I needed to get up to go to the bathroom- and moving just to get out of bed was HARD.)

Tuesday I was able to squeeze in to see an associate of my doctor, who also treats the spine. Wasn't overly thrilled with him, but he did an X-ray, ordered an MRI, added a pain pill and upped the doses of the muscle relaxer and norco. So at least it was productive. At that point I was given heavy restrictions if I was able to go back to work, just until they knew what was going on from the MRI. Informed my managers- was told 'let us know when you can come back to work." at the time, that was fine, I couldn't do much and it was allowing the injury to rest. Had the MRI on Friday, and the follow-up with my regular doctor set for the following week.

Yesterday I saw my doctor- good news is that I don't need surgery! However, I did injure one of my discs that was already herniated. It's protruding further into the spinal cord- even though the difference is not drastic- it still causes a lot of pain and inflammation. Thankfully, an injection should help along with physical therapy. My doctor knows my job is physical, so the restrictions on me are still pretty heavy. No lifting over 10lbs, no bending, twisting, squatting, pushing or pulling for 2 weeks. (Thankfully, they squeezed me in and I got the injection today- so I at least have to be off the rest of the week per Doctor Orders- it's an epidural spinal injection, so it needs a few days to heal and start working.

So, I figured that I would be able to get back to work on Monday, even if I'm on light duty and need a helper for lifting the dogs and holding them. (for those who don't know, I'm a dog groomer). We've had several other people injured, or that had surgery, that were able to come back in on light duty, and do a few small dogs with help. So I figured it'd be the same for me, right? Nope... they want me back to at least being able to lift 40lbs, and no restrictions on bending or twisting. (way above what other coworkers were able to do when they came back to work...) Honestly, work has been the most frustrating part of all this. not once have my managers asked how I was doing, or even a 'feel better soon'. It's been all business, and apparently I'm not worth helping out so I can still make a paycheck and pay my bills. After I mentioned seeing if there was anything I could do and be paid hourly or something- then she offers to 'check into it' but I have a feeling I'll just be SOL for 2 weeks.. which I really can't afford. Thankfully we have a little 'emergency' fund- so it's not like bills wont be paid.. but it just feels wrong that everyone else gets help when they've been injured or have surgery, but I'm no good until I'm 100% recovered.

(COMMISSIONS, YOU SAY? READ BELOW IF INTERESTED, OR JUST IF YOU WANT TO GIVE FEEDBACK)

I had thoughts about what I could do from home to help supplement my (currently non-existent) income. Maybe once my current sketch slots are complete, and while I get the color commissions set up for the final inking phase. Perhaps I could do a couple sketch commissions per day. These next few days I'm supposed to sit around and take it easy...so it'd be something to keep me occupied and would help bring some income in...

What do you guys think??? Is there anyone that would be interested in quick-turnaround sketch commissions?? (as long as it's ok with those waiting on color work. for the next couple days I can't sit at a desk long enough to work on big color pieces) but I can easily set myself up on the couch to do sketch work.

IF I do this, I would do a few slots at a time, probably same day- 2 day turnaround time. I'll see what I can manage, so I don't do what I did with this last batch! I do spend a fair bit of time on the sketches I do- so the price may be $20-25 for up to 2 characters, pencil shaded like I usually do, if that doesn't seem too outrageous.

Please let me know what you guys think, I would really appreciate it!!

**First!!** Thank you guys for all the support and understanding you've shown, you have no idea how much it means to me

Alright, this was the next step to becoming more active, getting this updated list posted, and editing it as things get completed. I've talked to a few of you, and gotten ideas, if they were the original ideas, or if you guys decided you wanted something else, given how long it's been ^^;; I will have to hunt down my lightbox before moving forward on color pieces, which I'll try and find that this weekend. (moving and all, heh ^^; ) The ones with "--" next to them means I'm still waiting for the idea for the sketch. Others I have the idea in my head, just need to get it down on paper. But I'm doing only a couple at a time, so I don't overwhelm myself.

It's at least nice to want to draw again, and have more inspiration coming back to getting these commissions done. I put a lot of feeling into what I draw, so it helps when I feel happy and inspired :3 Hopefully I'll be cutting away at this list regularly, making for happier commissioners, and a happier me!

Commission Queue:

Color:
1.  KrisCheetah Paid: Rough Sketched- reworking
2.  raydobbs Paid: - rough sketched
3.  Sonow Paid: sketching

Sketches/Inks:
1.  raydobbsPAID:
2. for  Wolfteller PAID: -- need details
3.  Xaviera pondering...

Hi guys, I know I've been all but silent here for over a year.. it's been.. well, honestly, it's been a hard year..

I think I can say it's the hardest year I've experienced in life to date.

It's been a rollercoaster. So, if you're up to it, here's a little explanation of what's been going on.

So, we bought a house! Which of course, is exciting, and i love our home, really love where we live, and it actually feels like home. I don't like admitting it, but it really didn't feel that way for a while though.. I lived at home (meaning with my parents) all my life, I'm an only child, and I have a great relationship with my parents. It was really a shock to the system, the reality of moving out. Granted, we now live down the street, so not far at all! but still, it was weird.. It just felt.. so empty. I was happy, but at the same time, I was kinda mourning the end of the life I was familiar with. I know that probably sounds weird, but that's the truth of it.

Things got a little better with time, as we started unpacking more. It was still an adjustment, but it was getting easier to feel at home here. We went on vacation in October as we always do, with my parents. we had a great time, and I think it helped a good deal too.

As the holidays approached, that feeling of being displaced started to seep back in.. my first holidays that I wasn't living with my folks, was strange. In early December, we attended MFF (unfortunately, I was sick as a dog, but I still had a great time). The best part was spending time with friends. We finally got to meet  geckoguy123456789 in person, and he roomed with us! and of course, we spent time with the lovely  Xaviera and ended up having a little room party, where Xavi and I each killed 2 bottles of wine a piece, Darren drank 1/2 a bottle of Mountain Dew flavored Vodka (he and Kevon were sharing the bottle)... and poor Logan was sober as could be, dealing with our shenanigans. Surprisingly, we not only did not scare him off, but he wants to do it again this year! But, needless to say, I had a wonderful time, bonding with good friends, it was just sooo great! I came back with a refreshed sense of love for being furry, the friends I have because of the community, and was wanting to start drawing again!

Sadly..this is where things took a sharp turn.
December 11th, our family dog, Duke rapidly declined.. he had cancer in his liver and bladder... he was in the basement, because my parents were having things remodeled (so he had things set up down there so he could hang out there while the workers were in the house) when my mom called him up, he didn't come.. she went down to see what was going on.. he tried to get up, a few times, then gave up.. his legs weren't working. I was at work.. I was hoping he was just stiff..or couldn't get any traction.. but I think things were just starting to fail him.. and he knew, it was time.. my dad came home from work, and we carried him to the car, and took him into the vets, our head vet (my boss) took care of us..and agreed we were making the kinder decision to set him free from pain. Duke was my dad's dog.. he loved my mom, he tolerated me, but he was Dad's best buddy.. my Dad broke down so hard.. it was really hard for all of us... and poor Snickers, my parents' other dog, we brought him along so he could say goodbye too.. he took it really hard too.. Our christmas season was..hard.. we all felt like we were grasping for any sense of comfort. we lost our dog, our living situation was really different, and my parents' house was torn apart because of the remodel. It was just very difficult, and somber..

My Mom had been feeling off, and tired.. and had some odd pain in her tailbone. But, she has a history of back issues, so we all kind of figured it was nerve pain. Then.. she started having some other issues.. In January, I got home from work, and called my Mom, my Dad answered, and said they were in the E.R. and Mom was having a CT scan... it turns out she had been having some pain, and bleeding.. they found a mass at the end of her colon, which they thought was an abcess.. when they were able to do a colonoscopy, they took a biospy. she did have diverticulitis, but the mass they were hoping was an abcess, was cancer. She was diagnosed in February with Anal Cancer: Stage III Squamous Cell Carcinoma. The following weeks were a blur of tests, consultations, and planning sessions. The type of cancer she has is very treatable and curable, but would require aggressive treatment. Combined Chemo and Radiation for 8 weeks. Treatment was very hard on her body, excrutiating, and draining.. she lost over 60lbs due to the side effects, and had to be hospitalized for a very serious C Diff infection, during which time, she needed 2 transfusions. It was awful to see her go through all of this.. you feel so helpless.. I would have taken it from her and go through it myself in a heartbeat if I could have... my Mom is such a wonderful person...she's the kindest, most giving person, and just honestly good... it was awful to see her suffering. To see her so scared...there were multiple times she told my Dad different things in case she didn't make it... It's hard for me to even type that... it was just a very hard time for our family...

She did finish her treatment in May... and much to our relief, she is getting stronger every day! Her doctors are very pleased with her recovery so far. her mass shrunk from 7cm to 2 cm, which some of that may still be scar tissue. And the chemo and radiation will continue to work in her system for 6 months after her last treatment. (She sees her doctors again in November) but, they said everything is going in the right direction, and that they're really happy with how she's progressing. She's still not back to 100%, she still has to take immodium all the time (due to side effects from both chemo and radiation). she can't eat much, due to her stomach shrinking when she was barely eating, because her treatment and the C Diff made her feel so sick. But she is eating pretty much whatever she wants, and tries to eat more and more. She seems to feel a lot better, but it will take a while for her to get back to "normal". Thankfully, she's doing really well though. <3

Our family really had an awful winter and spring... My own feelings were the least of my concerns, but I think it's safe to say, I did go through periods of depression.

In late May, Darren and I had decided, we needed something positive. In March, we put a deposit down on a puppy, we figured, she would be something happy to think about, and another positive thing to focus on after Mom was done with her treatments. So in mid- may, we picked up our Standard Poodle baby! A little Brindle girl, who we've named Jasmine <3 Haha, you forget how rough puppyhood is after the new-puppy honeymoon is over! we had some issues with housetraining, but we finally got that figured out :) We love our crazy little poodle. (not so little anymore! she's 6 months old, and 40lbs already! )We just had her spayed last week, and the poor kid has been in her crate most of the time.. by day 2 she thought she was fine and could run like a racehorse again... but after a spay and gastropexy (stomach tacking- standards are deep-chested, and susceptable to bloat). She has a lot of healing to do. So we're just keeping her on mainly crate-rest for 2 weeks post-op. She fights to run and bounce around, even if we keep her on a lead in the house (we need to keep her on a lead to go potty, and she fights to try to run and play then too.. poor girl). But in a few days, she should be all clear to be as crazy as she wants! Just temporary , so she can heal and not have any complications.

Lets see, My best friend also came and lived with us for 2 months over the summer.. she broke off her recent engagement (long story short.. she realized that she really did not want to have kids..and her ex really did. and she had kinda fallen out of love.. and was just..honestly not happy.. they had been dating since highschool, and I was good friends with her ex too.) it was sad at first..but seeing her now.. she started dating again.. and I swear, she found her true soulmate. She's so happy...and he's the nicest guy. She just moved in with him downtown, and while things are a little crazy (long story) she's so happy, and I'm so glad to see her truly happy <3 (though it was a little sad seeing her move out from here, haha) she's basically my sister, we've been best friends for ~16 years, I loved having her here. but I'm so glad she's happy :)

And then there's been some work issues, just drama with coworkers and shit. I love grooming, but the unfair BS that goes on..not so much. But we'll see.. Hopefully things will get better in time.

Things finally feel a little more stable these days. I still go through periods of feeling sad..and sometimes that feeling of worry/dread is hard to shake (I sometimes wonder if I've got some minor anxiety issues or something.. or maybe it's just stress, and the fact that I dwell and worry.)

But all this being said- I have been kinda getting back into a creative groove... I've been wanting to draw, and so I started with some little things, personal things, or stuff for friends. Things that wouldn't make me feel pressured, just let me remember that I love drawing.. and it seems to be working!! I actually got a commission sketched out (just needs to be inked) so hopefully, I'll actually be able to get somewhere this time around! I feel like something "clicked" that has been gone for a LONG time. I'm not sure why, but I'm just going to go with it, and try to keep rolling! It feels good to draw again, to create, to express myself on paper. It's been so long since drawing felt so good... I missed it so much!

If you read the novel above: I really do appreciate it. I'm sorry, life has been so hectic for so long, and I know I have a lot of people who have been so patiently waiting for artwork to be completed. I'm hoping I can get back to where I was a few years ago, where I could bust out commissions, and loved doing it. (mostly just talking about Owed commissions currently! if I do take on any more commissions in the future, I think it'll be less, and when I know I have time to do them. But that will be discussed later, once all owed work is finished. ).

Sorry, it's late, my brain is running on fumes, and I'm just mostly rambling now,
But! you can expect to see some new uploads, my warm up pieces, and the commission I have the pencils done for :)

Thank you guys for all the support and patience you've shown me <3

Darren and I are buying a house! I feel fairly safe making the announcement since the mortgage loan was approved and the closing is on the 28th (ie in 8 days!)

Work has been slammed the past few months as well, but we're coming up on the season of slow-down (usually by the time school starts, we start to wind down some)

But the house has been the big pressing thing recently :) we had a lot we had to get sorted out as well as all of the meetings and appointments that go along with the home buying process :) the house is awesome though! We'll have plenty of room for our own workspaces (I'll actually have a nice space for working on art!!) and Darren gets to have a man cave and a space for his tinkering :) the house is also perfectly suited to starting a family in the next few years ;) We're so excited!

The house is also in the same neighborhood that I've called home for the past 17 years, and right down the street from my parents' house :) which I'm SO happy about! I'm thrilled we'll be so close, and that when we have kid(s), that we'll only be a 5 minute walk away :3 (they're really happy too!) we've also got a fenced in yard and have already met with a breeder to see about getting a puppy once we're settled (standard poodle!!!!)

It also looks like Darren might have landed a nicer job! (He doesn't know for sure, but so far his interviews have gone very well!) and I've been grooming almost full-time lately. Things have really been moving along in a great direction recently!

So this is why I've been so quiet, we've just had so much going on! As I mentioned above, with an actual workspace, I'm looking forward to having an actual desk to work on and keep all my arting supplies out. I've REALLY missed drawing lately, and I look forward to being able to sit down and jam out art like I used to. I'm also going to have space for another art tool I've not gotten to use much due to not having a good space to set it up, I think I'll be using it for a nice little add on for commissions I've done recently/still need to do. A little free upgrade to thank everyone for being patient :)

I hope everyone is doing well, and again, I'm sorry for how I've fallen off the planet! I actually check FA nearly every day to look at other peoples art, and keep up on journals, I just haven't been posting since things have been so crazy!

So, on a less ramble-y note... I'm going to do that fursona meme that's been going around!



What made you choose the species of your main fursona?
I can't recall exactly when I came across African Painted Dogs, but I always thought they were beautiful and I've always loved interesting coat patterns. Then when I worked as a nanny, the family had a season pass to our local zoo, which has a pack of Painted Dogs, and I fell in love. They are really cool animals, and still sorta "unique" in the fandom. I still love Tsuhara and she'll always be a part of me, but I created her before I even really knew about furries, and represents, I suppose, a younger version of myself. Whereas Chai is more who I am now. :)

Is your fursona just like you, or how you want to be?
Chai is pretty much like me in most ways, I guess you could say her body is more..idealized. I obviously haven't been pregnant yet, but I am excited for it, but even in Chai's regular fom, her body is more what I aspire to achieve. Though personality wise, she's me ;)

Does your fursona have the same personality you have?
Yup :)

Does your fursona have the same dislikes and likes as you do?
Yup

Does your fursona look like you at all?
She's blonde and has medium length-long hair, but yeah, I suppose that's about it, haha :)

Is your fursona the same gender as you, if not why?
Yes, indeed ;P

Do you have more then one main fursona?
I have Tsuhara which is just more representative of my younger self. Other than that I just have a few characters.

Do you have a back story for your fursona, if so does it have anything to do with your own history?
Not really, she's basically just who I use to represent myself , so her backstory and mine are the same.

Is your fursona mated, if so is it to your real life significant other?
Yes, and yes :3 that'd be my fiancé  DarrenCax

If not are they looking for a mate, or are they a swinger so to speak?
Look above.

Is there something special about your fursona that you think sets them apart from others?
Since all Painted Dogs have different coat patterns, like fingerprints, I'd like to think her markings are unique. :)

Do you have much art of your main fursona/s?
I have some, not near the crazy amount I have for Tsuhara, but I had been drawing Tsu for years, so hopefully I'll catch up and do more with her. My fiancé has commissioned several pieces, and I've gotten a few myself, and some awesome gift art from Gecko :)

If you suit, do you have a suit of your main fursona?
I do suit, but I don't have one of Chai. I may eventually, depending on if I have time after I finish off my commission queue.

Have you ever roleplayed with your main fursona, or do you prefer not to?
I haven't in a long time, and for a while, I only really roleplayed with Darren. Though now that we live together, we don't do a whole lot of that. (Which I'm fine with, real life snuggles beat RP snuggles any day!)

Do you consider your main fursona to be a part of you in any way?
Yes, She's my online presence in the community and she's my embodiment in my art. :)

I'm not sure either...but dogs....so.many.dogs.

My past several weeks has been something like this:
https://imgflip.com/i/5xbyc

I was warned, and like a fool, I didn't realize how busy the holiday season would be. We seemed to be as busy as normal, had a slow day or two because of snow and frigid temps..then WHAM... We were overbooked and taking dogs on the waiting lists, and working 10-12 hour days pretty regularly. (We had near 50 dogs several days, and at least 38-40 on the other days) add in that we're slightly understaffed with bathers, and yeah.... FUN!

...the kind of fun that makes you want to hide in the cabinet, rocking and drinking hard liquor. Add on top of this that I'm still dealing with the herniated disc in my back (from 6-7 months ago) and yeah, bathing, lifting , fighting and restraining dogs, standing all day, for 10-12 hours days on end... I've been a little worse for wear, haha.

Then of course there was all the usual craziness that comes with the holidays, shopping,decorating and wrapping a bazillion presents, it was a crazy, albeit fun, holiday season :)

Thankfully, we are getting down to more normal operation at work, and they say that January is normally pretty slow, so.. Hopefully I will not be dead after work and can begin scheduling in art related work during the week and on my 'weekends'. I also still need to address my back issues (I still need to go in for an MRI on my back and assess further treatment options) but with the work schedule being so unpredictable the last month or so, it's been impossible to figure out when I could. Make appointments (we don't have set hours, we start at 7:30 am and we leave when all the dogs are done being groomed, which so far the latest I've been there was 7pm) they're fairly flexible on if we need to get to appointments and such normally, but it was hard with the holidays.

Since it is going to be so crazy frigid out tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can knock out some more work, and I may even have to call off Tuesday (since I work at the other hospital that day, and so far, they didn't have any grooms scheduled for Tuesday..not sure if it will fill up because it is going to be -40 here with the windchill ). So we'll see. Hopefully you'll be seeing more activity over here :)

I apologize I've been so dead, but I was pretty lifeless after work the past several weeks @.@

Oh my gosh, I can't believe how fast this snuck up! God I've got so much left to do! :O (getting the plague after our vacation, and throwing my back out didn't help, but geeze!) I've still gotta spruce Chemic up and do a few suit related things, and I will be bringing lots of paper and such to sketch and doodle at the convention! Hopefully do some gift stuff for my friends/commissioners I will be seeing there!

But, on to the meme!


Where are you staying?
Main Hotel

What day are you getting there?
Friday evening after  DarrenCax and I get off of work! (We only live an hour away, yippee!)

Where will you be most of the time during the day/s?
I have no clue! Never been to MFF before, but probably out and about, suiting, arting and the like!

Who will you be with?
 DarrenCax and have plans to meet up with  raymonddobbs and  Xaviera at some point!

Do you do free art?
I probably will! (For friends and people who are nice.)

Do you do trades?
In person at the con? Possibly?

Do you do commissions?
Probably not unless its done during the con. I have too many pending commissions to take on more, I'm hoping this will pump me up and get me back in the groove!

Do you have prints/ CDs?
No

Do you do badges?
I might do one or two for friends

What is your gender?
Female

How old are you?
26

Are you taken?
Yes! :3

Do you have a fursuit?
Yes! Planning to have Chemic as well as my Delilah/Lilah partial :)

Can I touch you?
Friendly hugs are ok within reason...like if I know you xD

Can I talk to you?
Yes! Please do :) I can be a little shy, but I do love making friends and such :)

Can we hang out?
Sure! Darren and I will probably drifting around :)

Can I look in your sketchbook?
I don't really have a sketchbook, but I'm fine with people checking out my sketches :3

Can I draw in your sketchbook?
...I should bring a sketchbook, but of course!

Can I buy you a drink?
Sure

Can I take your picture?
In suit, of course! And I suppose out of suit is ok too, if you ask first :)

What do you look like?
See my picture in my gallery for my 5 year anniversary xD or look for the big red and black fox, or colorful dog thingy xD

Just about to submit another completed commission here, and figured I should post the queue, in case people are curious, or want to keep up with where I'm at on the list :)

also I want to thank you guys for your patience and the warm welcome back <3 Feels good to be back, and feels good to enjoy drawing again! (It was a nice way to unwind after the stressful two days of work so far this week! We were WAY overbooked,I put in about 19 hours just between yesterday and today @.@ )

So yes... Commission list! I'll probably just update the list in this journal for a while :)

Commission Queue:

Color:
1.  KrisCheetah Paid: Rough Sketched- reworking
2.  raydobbs Paid: Planning
3.  Sonow Paid: sketching

Sketches/Inks:
1.  NikolaINKS:PAID:
2.  NikolaINKS:PAID:
3.  raydobbsPAID:
4.  raydobbsPAID:
5.  WolftellerINKS::PAID: -sketched-
6. geckoguy123456789PAID:
7. PAID:
8.  Nyghtpanthyr:PAID:
9.  Nyghtpanthyr:PAID:
10.  Nyghtpanthyr:PAID:
11.  Xaviera

I know, I know, I've been terrible. To be honest, I haven't been online a whole lot aside from checking on things... To be honest, with all the things that happened from December up until a couple months ago, life was stressful, and I think I even went through some depression/anxiety episodes. Nothing earth-shattering, I just kinda withdrew from the online community and my stress levels made it impossible for me to draw (decently) and anxiety over owed commissions made me very nervous to come on FA. I know, it wasn't really the best way to handle things... But real life was where I had to shift all my focus and energy. I'm sorry to have left people hanging and wondering what happened.

Things are finally falling into place, though. I've been doing well with my new job, and I'm now in full-swing with training to become a groomer! It's a slow process, I move at the lightning-fast pace of 2-3 haircuts a day, with some assistance. (Ok, sometimes a very fair bit of assistance, depending on the dog.... I had 2 50lb cocker spaniels in a week.... Lord help me o.o ) but I'm moving along, eventually ill be expected to do between 6-10 dogs per day. But I'm excited and happy to be working towards a career! I felt pretty dismal a few months ago, not feeling like I had many skills to offer, and not sure what I could do job-wise outside of nannying(which has no benefits and doesn't pay very well as far as making a decent living).

Sadly, I did tweak my back again... A couple months ago (just weeks into my job ) I was trying to keep a spastic Labradoodle on the table... Back went into spasm and I fought against it. Ever since, my nerves have been inflamed and I've been dealing with sciatica. I'm going to try to start Physical Therapy this week. So, along with my job being very physical and tiring, my back pain has kinda exacerbated things..and we'll I've been pretty dead after work!

Alas, I'm going to try to get my rear in gear and get back into commissions that need to be done! I'm FINALLY feeling more at peace...I have a job, I'm training for a great career, home life is great, and I'm finally really able to enjoy having my sweetheart here with me! (Don't get me wrong, I've been extremely happy he's been up here, but I think we both can agree, settling into our jobs and new routines and schedules, and being more adjusted to things has really helped us be able to relax and enjoy each other :) )

Another reason I have a renewed zest for furry stuff/art/ commissions??? MIDWEST FURFEST!!! We talked about it before..... But tonight I casually brought it up before dinner... And well... We have a hotel room booked and are registered!!! I am SO EXCITED now that its settling in that we're doing this!! I think this is a push I needed... I felt a bit jaded about furry stuff for a while... Perhaps just kinda being part of how blah/depressed I got over job/life craziness. I needed something to once again ramp up my passion for this community, and all the things I love about it.

So guys, I'm going to try get motivated and get things rolling again!
(Oh, and I will actually make a true effort to put my money where my mouth is, and try to get in a rythym with working on commissions. But now that I do actually have a secure job, I feel I can really make good on that.)

I hope I haven't disappointed you guys too much, and I hope you understand where I've had to put life and job priorities first. I appreciate the patience so many of you have shown me. <3

Also, I would LOVE to hear who else plans on attending MFF!

Which would be pretty much the past few months.

So if you've read previous journals, you would know about the family I worked for for the past 2 years, and how they had to move at the end of January. I was in a frenzy to find work for about 2 months (December and January) trying to set up a job for when that job ended. I got hired by another family 2 days later and I was excited because I thought I had a stable job once more, and for a nice family. Hooray, things were going to calm down!

.... Murphy's Law, if you think everything is going well, you obviously have no idea what the hell is going on. As it turns out, these people were Grade A crazy-people. Very smart people... But..nuts. There were many doctors in the family (mom- dentist, father- lawyer(not a doctor, but still), grandmother-audiologist, grandfather- oral surgeon , great aunt- pediatric neuroscientist , plus many other doctors that were relatives.) yes, one should be proud of the success of such a family, so I understand that. But apparently because I was not a doctor, or lawyer, or whathaveyou, I definitely felt an air of dissent from some of the people in the family. The mother and father of the child seemed nice enough, the grandmother (on moms side) was nice... But very..overprotective and involved. Then there was 'Aunt Val' who was the aunt of the mother of the child. Who I was apparently going to work with on Fridays, assisting her with her grandchildren. On Thursdays I was to work at the Grandmothers house, to help her watch him. And Mondays and Wednesdays would be at the apartment where the child and his parents lived. My schedule was also very...random. I knew days, but the times changed constantly , and I didn't know my schedule day-to-day. I was willing to be flexible though. They were only looking for part time and insisted on hiring me even though I needed a full-time salary, because they said they really liked me.

Well, I was willing to put up with the craziness, to a point. I endured the paranoid craziness that came along with the child entering into the phase of separation anxiety. (He was 13 months old, this is pretty normal at that age.) and even though this is normal... They freaked the first time it happened... 6 calls in 2 hours from both the child's mother, and grandmother. Which every time he heard their voices through the phone, he began freaking out again. If they had just let us be, he would have calmed down, but no. Between the two of them flipping out the entire time, and the poor kid going berserk every time a call came in, when they said they wanted him to go with his grandparents for the night, I didn't fight them. It was the only way to get them to calm down. The grandmother many times talked to me as if I have never taken care of a child... "You know never to leave him alone when taking a bath, right??? And you don't fill up the tub too high, do you??? I don't like him being bouyant!! I DO NOT like him being buoyant! I asked B if it was a good idea to let you bathe him because you have to be so careful with kids and water...." (Oh no, I haven't been a nanny for 7 years, or anything. I assumed at 13 months the child could swim and bathe himself.... Oh please, lady...) but I never said a word, I just agreed with her and reiterated how cautious I am.

Then Aunt Val... She was a TREAT. "I'll write you a check dear, on Fridays. You do have a social security number, don't you dear?" Oh my, I suppose my thick accent gave me away! (The only accent I have, is a Chicago accent. ) but yeah. That was a first. But stuff with her was the big catalyst here.

3 weeks ago, Saturday, I was asked (when I was at Val's house on Friday) if I could come over at 8:15am to meet her granddaughters. I said I could, she said it would be until 11am at the latest, so I knew I could still make it to my allergist appointment at noon. So Saturday morning, I get up early, and leave the house around 7:40am (she lives in Tinley Park) at 7:55am my phone rings. Val assumes I hadn't left my house yet and says "I'm not sure if they're coming over, it might be around 9 or not at all, let me call you back in half an hour." I avoid telling her I'm halfway there, since I didn't want her to feel bad. I pull off into a parking lot and wait.....and wait... And wait... At 9:00am (an hour and 5 minutes later..) I get a call from Val's husband " my granddaughters aren't coming this morning so we don't need you, if things change we will call you later to see if you're available." I go home and stall for my appointment. I get a call from Val at 11:00am. "My granddaughters came over! Can you come by for an hour to meet them?" I try to tell her I can't , that I have a doctor appointment....there's a pause "...well you didn't tell me that, dear. We talked about this and you said you were free today and that you would meet them since you didn't work the whole day yesterday. " I explain that I figured I could still get to my appointment since she originally talked about 8:15-11am. She tells me to think about coming after and to call her....I call her back about 15 minutes later and get her husband. I apologize and tell him I have other obligations and cannot come.

Then when B asks about how this weekend went, if I met the girls, I explained this. She says it wasnt fair and calls her mom. Her mom calls her sister (Val) and she tells a different story, that she asked me if I had left the house yet and that I said "no i didn't " (there was no such exchange) and when I told her about stuff today (Val) she lies to me and says " oh no dear, I was up at 6:30 am and I called you an hour and a half before you would have to be here. I made sure to give you plenty of notice before you would have left" ......bullshit, she called 20 minutes before I had to be there and I live 40 minutes away. Do the math.

I wake up to a voicemail 2 weeks ago, wednesday, from Val. " this week we're going to need to split the hours between Friday and Saturday, and I'm not sure about Sunday yet." ...now wait a sec here, I signed up for Friday, not the whole damn weekend. I will not be yanked around and working 7 days a week because they think I'm some sort of slave. I call B first, to see if I was misinformed, as far as I knew, it was supposed to just be Fridays. And they're the ones who had planned bringing the aunt into this. So I just express that I believe my time should be respected and that I had not expected to work the whole weekend. (I didn't know if this was a one time thing or if she was going to pull this all the time.) B says she understands, and calls her mom. She calls me back and advises me to call her aunt back. So I do. Val gets her condescending tone on and tells me " oh dear, we talked about this, and how I need the flexibility. I am a very busy woman and I need someone who can be flexible and if I say "I need you here on a Saturday" you can say " yes doctor, I will be there for you on Saturday." If you were looking for a set Monday -Friday with very occasional weekends, I'm not your person. I need that flexibility. I assumed you said you could because your boyfriend isn't living here right now and you're single and have more time. Think about it and just be honest with me dear. Get back to me tomorrow evening and tell me what you think."

About 20 minutes after I get off with Val, B calls. She says " this is just too stressful... I have been on the phone for the past hour on and all. My mom has been late for patients, she's getting upset with me, my aunt Val is getting frustrated. And this is just too much stress. This was supposed to make my life less stressful and easier, and it seems like you're more concerned with your time being respected. This is just too much stress and I think it would be best if we just ended it here. I will send you a check for the week, but I just think this is best...we have babysitters and it's just easier." ...I tried to explain I didn't have a problem being flexible for her, that I didn't feel she was being disrespectful of my time (trying to hint my issue was with her aunt, not her) but her mind was made up... She rushed me off the phone and wished me luck finding something.. And that was it. (Somewhere in there she said "also, when Brian cries when I leave it's stressing me out at work." Even though this is a normal thing, and 10 minutes later I'd send her a pic of him smiling to see that he was ok. That wasnt enough clearly it just meant that I was imcompetant. I hope he's giving them hell with the other babysitters...)

So there you have it. I am suddenly unemployed and for a really stupid reason. At first I was really upset, and even depressed... I have NEVER been fired before and it's hard to not feel that you're at fault somewhere. Now I'm just mad for them being unfair. But I suppose it's the kick in the butt I need to try another line of work for a while. I could use a job with benefits, and more of set schedule, and I want to be somewhere that I'm respected and valued for what I do. Currently I'm doing some research on becoming a dog groomer. I'd need to get a part time gig along with going to some sort of grooming school, and my friend works at a big hospital that employs groomers and groomers assistants (also, they offer amazing benefits, even for part timers!) so I'm a little more optimistic as I consider this :) what else can you do but try to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try to sort things out once again.

Also, since I am staring to get things sorted out, I'm going to try to throw myself back into commissions. I feel like now that Darren is finally up here (one big bright spot here, Darren moved up to Illinois on Tuesday of last week!) I'm feeling more motivated to really try to get back into being productive.

I will try to keep you guys more up to date, I guess I was just... Very stressed, upset, and a little ashamed to have to come on here and announce that I lost my job and was trying to figure out what to do with myself. It's hard being a good 'artist' at the same time when my ability to create is so heavily tied to my stress levels. But I really am going to try to dedicate time to this 'job' here while I sort the rest out. I feel like I'm dealing with the bulk of the issue, which was the top priority. But believe me guys, not a day goes by when I don't think about my commissions and commissioners and feel guilty about not working. But I don't do good work when I'm so stressed out, and you guys deserve nothing less than my best effort. I won't just crank out crappy art to cross names off my list. I hope that makes sense, and that you understand.

Also, thanks to anyone who reads this long mess of a journal :P

I know, I know. I kept thinking I was going to be able to work on things, then wasn't able to with real life being so crazy. I finally have things more sorted out now, so I am going to be working hard to steadily complete ALL commissions that have been waiting. (Then I will be taking a break from commissions for a while. The immense guilt I've been dealing with for the past several months is enough of a sign that I really need to take a break from offering commissions, to clear my plate, and just doodle for myself here and there.) I feel awful things got put on the back-burner for so long, but there wasn't much of an option. :/ I've had a lot of major things I've had to get sorted in my life and along with being busy getting those things sorted, my stress level has been up there so I haven't been drawing or doodling at all.

Since I last wrote a journal here letting you guys know what was happening, I had a bit of a medical scare. (Ok, that sounds dramatic..) but I had been dealing with reflux issues, and they got a lot worse not long after I wrote that journal. I have a lap-band and was concerned I might have prolapsed, or developed an ulcer, since I would be up all night coughing up stomach acid, or fun stuff like having stuff come out my nose right after drifting off. I was averaging about 1-2 hours of sleep a night, and would wake up tasting blood, and worn out from coughing forcefully all night. I did go back to my doctor (lap-band doc) and thank god, the issue was that my band was way too tight. (I guess that would explain why I could barely eat, too..) so he unfilled it partially, and everything is back to normal :)

The other big time commitment issue came with the massive cleaning frenzy that ensued in preparation for Darren moving up here. Very exciting! ...but the cleaning was insane... Many hours, and many garbage bags full of donation items/trash later... My room is finally in good shape! ..the basement is next, but I'm taking a break since that's going to be an even bigger project...

Lastly, I was working hard on job searching, since my nanny job was ending due to the family moving. It's amazing how much time it takes to scour job listings every day, apply to those that are possible matches, and correspond with people! Luckily, I interviewed with a really nice family the day after my job ended, and was hired the next day! A huge relief :) now we're just still trying to work out a schedule, so it may be rocky at first. But at least they seem super nice :)

Oh, and with Darren preparing to move up here, he decided to haul some stuff up 2 weeks ago and also spend Valentines Day with me <3 we've been enjoying some downtime together and catching up, so to speak :) He's also been helpful in gently nudging me back into the mood to art, so that's been good!

So now that I've actually gotten a commission done, I feel like I can actually say that I'm starting back in on my queue! Hopefully I can really roll with the motivation and get through this list in as timely of a manner is possible!!!

Again, I am sincerely grateful to all of you who have been so very patient! Thank you so much for understanding! I try not to just crank out art when I don't feel I can produce quality work. You all have waited patiently and deserve the best that I can do. Which is why I don't ever draw when my heart isn't in it. (And as you can see, I have been legitimately busy as well, so that's been a huge factor.)


So here it is, the updated, full queue!

Commission Queue:

Color:
1.  KrisCheetah Paid: Rough Sketched- working on refining soon
2.  raydobbs Planning
3.  KhyleWolf Paid: Inked!

Latest Round (from November) mainly sketches:
1.  SonowReference sheet: PAID- planning
2.  Nyghtpanthyr:PAID
3.  Akkarri:PAID:
4.  Akkarri:PAID:
5.  Akkarri:PAID:
6.  NikolaINKS:PAID:
7.  NikolaINKS:PAID:
8.  raydobbsPAID:
9.  raydobbsPAID:
10.  Wolfteller:PAID:
11. geckoguy123456789PAID:
12. PAID: