Today is national suicide prevention day and I have a story to tell.

I was sexually abused as a child and went through three years of hell. I wouldn't sleep at night for fear of him coming into my room and catching me while I was sleeping. My rapist was my father. It was torture living in that house and seeing him every day. He told me that I couldn't tell anyone because if I did it would tear our family apart and it would be my fault. So, I kept quiet. I died a little inside every time he came in my room. Finally, after I became a Christian, I worked up enough courage to tell.

I told my mother and he was arrested that night. You'd think that after all that abuse I'd be relieved that he was gone, but no. My family lost 75% of its income and my sisters lost their daddy. My mom lost her husband and our lives fell apart. We had to sell our house and use our college funds to buy groceries. We weren’t able to take dance classes any more, no more movies, no more eating out. It was a huge life change and we did not know how to function. Not only was everything changing at home but everyone at school was treating me differently. Somehow my dad’s mugshot was leaked into the media and every single person from our hometown knew. I was a freak. I felt as if my world was crashing down all around me and there was nothing I could do about it. I thought that if I were gone then my family could go back to normal. My daddy could come home and everything could be perfect again.

So, I wanted to die. If I were out of the picture my family would be happy again, right? I planned it out, I found the gun, and I hid in my mom's closet grasping it in my hands. Then, as I was ready to pull the trigger someone spoke to me. The only way I can explain it is that the Lord came to me and made me feel loved. Feel important. Feel worthy. I lowered the gun and wept. For the first time in years I felt like I was worth saving.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” It is because of Jesus that I am alive today. It sounds crazy, I know, but I was able to audibly hear the voice of the Lord tell me to stop. I have a purpose in my life and so do you. After this incident I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now, ten years later, I still struggle with these things but I have hope. I have a future and I am worthy of the air that I breathe.
Whatever you may be feeling today, it will get better. I want my story to be a reminder of how things WILL get better. I am now a graduate student who is studying to be a counselor. I want to help kids just like me who have hit rock bottom and see no way out.

In the book Les Miserables written by Victor Hugo, the main character, Jean ValJean says; "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” This quote cannot be more accurate. Be encouraged; you are not alone! There are so many people out there who want to help and will be more than happy to listen to your story and lead you down the road to recovery. Me included.

Thank you for reading! You are loved. You are important. You are worth it.

If you are considering suicide, tell someone. The following resources are extremely helpful!
• National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
• https://www.crisishotline.org

Snuggles and ear scratches,
Ruth