When I got the News of my mom's passing, I spent the whole day hoping and praying that it was a mistake.
That she was ok and recovering. I took my day time meds preemptively for the first time.

You see I've had day time meds for depression for a while now, but in the past I would take them and see no real difference, I still got upset and down in the same ways I always do. No Benefit, and so I'd forget about them. This was likely due to that fact that my Depression symptoms are symptomatic of other issues in my life, likely the difficulty and strain my executive dysfunction puts on me. Meaning any depression I may have wouldn't be helped by medications that target CLINICAL depression.
So I didn't take them. Until recently.
On the first night after her passing I had terrible trouble sleeping, I woke up with a racing heart, a pulse of 130. I was scared and in pain, physical and emotional, wallowing in misery for hours. I waited, desperately trying to distract myself with reels and youtube, and by 5am my body calmed and I was able to sleep again. I had thought this was a symptom of grief. That this was simply the way it was. This would go on on for about 5 days.

I had also missed an appointment with my psychiatrist a week or so ago so I set up another phone appointment, told her the news, we decided to increase my day time meds and decrease my night time meds, my seroquel.
~Also before ya'll think i'm loaded or well off, this place is a public low income facility.~
The meds we upped were Prozac(and stratera but that hasn't helped my focus anymore at all).
Going back to the ineffective day time meds we had upped them more and more over time as I complained of ineffectiveness.
So now I was suddenly taking 30-40 mg of prozac suddenly.

Over the past several days I have kept waking up in the early hours of the evening. Crying and pleading for my mom and for the pain to end.
It felt like my body was falling apart. My heart was racing all the time, I couldn't sleep right, I was constantly exhausted, my limbs felt either weak or electric, I was sweating a ton, I was scared and nervous all the time. Going out to get groceries or run errands were hell. I felt scared and alone in busy places. Multiple times I felt as though I were about to have a panic attack. All this compounded by my Mom's death.
Its been so scary. If this is what grief was doing to my body I wasn't sure I would survive it. I've always had drifting thoughts of self harm, not that I would ever act on them, but with everything going on they were starting to sound reasonable. That I would just go and rejoin with my mom, if there's an other side(with her passing i really hope there is one now).
It wasn't until yesterday, that I realized:
THIS ISN'T NORMAL!!!
I had finally Looked up the effects of prozac and found that nearly all of my symptoms were on there.
1 week ago my mom passed away and unthinkingly I had thrown gasoline onto a grease fire.

Obviously loosing my Mom to a stupid accident involving her boyfriend fucking around with a broken gun has broken my heart,
I wish there was a way to communicate the level of pain I feel right now, knowing that I had wasted months and months not talking to her, not because of animosity but because we both simply forgot to.
And recently I had wanted to start reconnecting with her.
Now I never will.
well, maybe one day I will.
But now, I'm broken and scared.
Not the kind of scared the prozac put into me. That was bordering on hospital visit, something that felt like it was about to be inevitable.

but I'm scared cause, there's so much I never got to talk to her about. All her Own personal stories, Her current favorite shows, songs, movies, Facts she thought were interesting, I had even recently begun to realize that, like me, she was probably on the spectrum too. This made so many things about her life suddenly make sense. I now I'll never be able to tell her.
I know this isn't completely my own fault, she had been distant since i was around 8, living far away and having me over during a few week ends, and eventually only during the summer or over phone calls when she moved further away.
But I still wish I had spent more time with her, not just near her at holiday gatherings or on the random summer occasions, but one on one, to know her better.

Please make sure, if you can, to connect with your moms more, you really never know how much time you have left.
writing this, especially after the prozac has mostly left my body, I feel better. I have so many family and friends and my dad, I will be ok. I hope so.
I love you Mom, I always will.