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I think I'm closer...
11 months ago
I mean... I can only hope. I don't want to give up my art: the only thing I ever want to do. It's just hard to feel comfortable with myself enough to make anything for the sheer joy of making art. And that's why all you got were vent pieces this year. I'm probably done until February...
But I want to continue. I want to make things. I tried to make art for the joy of it by coloring in something a friend drew. But it didn't make me feel better.
I think that's why I can't do commissions. Because I'm not enjoying it when it's my turn to make myself something. I'm crying out in pain. I'm begging the universe for something it cannot give me.
So I lay dormant.
But I want to continue. I want to make things. I tried to make art for the joy of it by coloring in something a friend drew. But it didn't make me feel better.
I think that's why I can't do commissions. Because I'm not enjoying it when it's my turn to make myself something. I'm crying out in pain. I'm begging the universe for something it cannot give me.
So I lay dormant.
I'm always open listening to you, if you wish.
Making art just for me is what I'm struggling with. I feel like... It's not allowed or something. It's the grief monster, I know. I'm just struggling. I need so much stuff and I have no money, so I have no outlet.
There's such a push to monetize every single aspect of a person's life, and I've let myself fall into that trap. Now nothing feels worth doing if it's not directly contributing to to paying my loans.