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How to Romance a Space Alien
7 months ago
An early Valentine's Day PSA by Sirâ Vecta
Greetings pathetic earthlings! Idiot Specter told me I need to get better at writing English so I “blend in”. Is my 5th language, give me break already 😠. But he gave me his blog to write on, and I have some things to say. Recently, more kespers are getting involved with humans. That’s not a good idea, but no one listens to me. Whatever. Problem is, we have to learn a lot about humans before we deploy to Earth, but you smelly mammals don’t know first thing about us! We think and feel differently.
I know there is a romance holiday happening on Earth. I don’t want my fellow agents to be disappointed, and I don’t want you humans to get hurt. So I made a guide on how to romance kespers. If you are dating one of us, these are things you should say/do to make him happy.
HOW DO I KNOW IF A KESPER LIKES ME?
Does he purr whenever you hold him? Does he lean his head against your shoulder or rub his face on yours whenever he’s next to you? Does air smell like lavender when you are around him? That’s how you know.
WORDS
In Kesper language, anything to do with love/sex will have letters M N and T, in that order. Verb for love is manat, and noun form is minta. If you want to say “I love you”, easiest way is manatev niråv. Don’t worry about saying it “too early” (stupid human hangups I swear 🙄), if you are already dating/fucking he will take it right way. Your manti is your mate, like Animal Planet kind. Manti vene̊c is term of endearment, your mate will feel really happy if you call him that. If you want something lighter, use nakí (sacred) or kamí (dear) instead. You can also just use 2nd person pronoun nir since is only used in standalone form for emphasis. Is like how あなた/anata can be used in Japanese.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We like physical contact, and there are some spots that we like a lot. Tails and ears are good place to start, it feels nice when they are rubbed😇. BUT, if you really want to go further, massage his primary pheromone receptors. These are strips under skin that run along collarbone and up sides of neck. We bite area when things get more intense. When I say bite though, is gentle. Don’t do it like Hachi did to Aoi in Montone Blue. Actually, just use your lips instead, yours are more nimble than ours.
We also like to be cuddled a lot. We sleep in short bursts, is an evolution thing, but that isn’t a problem for you - your mate will appreciate warmth of being next to you for such a long time. We don’t kiss - doesn’t work with our mouth shape. We lick though, on cheek or around ears.
DATE IDEAS
We crave novelty, so any interesting experience can make a great date. If is during day, go Geocaching or something like that. If you’re getting food, make sure there’s no meat (doesn’t need to be fully plant-based - cheese is greatest thing your race has invented). Somewhere you can drink is also good. Most of us do basic training in Japan, so ramen spots or izakayas are great options. If you’re in LA, ask Specter, he knows all best places for this🤤. Be careful of anything with cinnamon or nutmeg in it though - we get what humans call “cracked out” from those. We all love earth music - so you should take him out to a concert if there’s someone you want to see. Genre/style doesn’t matter. Specter and I go to all sorts of different shows and there’s always other kespers there.
AFTER DARK
Mating with kespers is similar to mating with humans. But unlike you lesser, incomplete beings, we have all parts we need to mate in either direction. Yes, we have penile slits. No, you can’t put anything in there. Is too tight. Cloaca is under tail, use that. Don’t be weird. We like physical touch remember? Best positions are ones that let your mate wrap himself around you. Lotus, missionary, that kind of thing. Ekiben against wall if you are feeling bold.
Be warned - we go through heat/rut cycles and it SUCKS. Feels so bad and frustrating 😡. If your mate’s scent changes from lavender to something deeper (Specter says it reminds him of Bath & Body Works fragrance In The Stars), skip all formalities and just get to it. Bad feelings fade quickly after mating, so he’ll appreciate it.
TAKING THE PLUNGE
Our kind doesn’t have marriage, and I still don’t understand point of it. If we’re together, we’re together, no reason to separate it into tiers. So don’t expect your mate to get it either. That said, you could get a kesper to live with you if your relationship is long & deep enough, and we’d be fine signing some papers under our human alias if that makes things easier for you. Just don’t expect any cultural baggage that comes with that, or any ceremonial stuff. When two kespers move in together, is customary to invite friends around and get blasted on tuber spirits. On Earth, we usually drink shochu for this. So make sure you stock up on that and be ready to drink it all by end of night.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I hatched & grew up in Outer Asteroid Belt of Kesparel Core, near Orion Nebula. Wasn’t good for me there so I left. Earth can suck, but is nice to be on planet with weather. You have cool animals too, like opossums.
Greetings pathetic earthlings! Idiot Specter told me I need to get better at writing English so I “blend in”. Is my 5th language, give me break already 😠. But he gave me his blog to write on, and I have some things to say. Recently, more kespers are getting involved with humans. That’s not a good idea, but no one listens to me. Whatever. Problem is, we have to learn a lot about humans before we deploy to Earth, but you smelly mammals don’t know first thing about us! We think and feel differently.
I know there is a romance holiday happening on Earth. I don’t want my fellow agents to be disappointed, and I don’t want you humans to get hurt. So I made a guide on how to romance kespers. If you are dating one of us, these are things you should say/do to make him happy.
HOW DO I KNOW IF A KESPER LIKES ME?
Does he purr whenever you hold him? Does he lean his head against your shoulder or rub his face on yours whenever he’s next to you? Does air smell like lavender when you are around him? That’s how you know.
WORDS
In Kesper language, anything to do with love/sex will have letters M N and T, in that order. Verb for love is manat, and noun form is minta. If you want to say “I love you”, easiest way is manatev niråv. Don’t worry about saying it “too early” (stupid human hangups I swear 🙄), if you are already dating/fucking he will take it right way. Your manti is your mate, like Animal Planet kind. Manti vene̊c is term of endearment, your mate will feel really happy if you call him that. If you want something lighter, use nakí (sacred) or kamí (dear) instead. You can also just use 2nd person pronoun nir since is only used in standalone form for emphasis. Is like how あなた/anata can be used in Japanese.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
We like physical contact, and there are some spots that we like a lot. Tails and ears are good place to start, it feels nice when they are rubbed😇. BUT, if you really want to go further, massage his primary pheromone receptors. These are strips under skin that run along collarbone and up sides of neck. We bite area when things get more intense. When I say bite though, is gentle. Don’t do it like Hachi did to Aoi in Montone Blue. Actually, just use your lips instead, yours are more nimble than ours.
We also like to be cuddled a lot. We sleep in short bursts, is an evolution thing, but that isn’t a problem for you - your mate will appreciate warmth of being next to you for such a long time. We don’t kiss - doesn’t work with our mouth shape. We lick though, on cheek or around ears.
DATE IDEAS
We crave novelty, so any interesting experience can make a great date. If is during day, go Geocaching or something like that. If you’re getting food, make sure there’s no meat (doesn’t need to be fully plant-based - cheese is greatest thing your race has invented). Somewhere you can drink is also good. Most of us do basic training in Japan, so ramen spots or izakayas are great options. If you’re in LA, ask Specter, he knows all best places for this🤤. Be careful of anything with cinnamon or nutmeg in it though - we get what humans call “cracked out” from those. We all love earth music - so you should take him out to a concert if there’s someone you want to see. Genre/style doesn’t matter. Specter and I go to all sorts of different shows and there’s always other kespers there.
AFTER DARK
Mating with kespers is similar to mating with humans. But unlike you lesser, incomplete beings, we have all parts we need to mate in either direction. Yes, we have penile slits. No, you can’t put anything in there. Is too tight. Cloaca is under tail, use that. Don’t be weird. We like physical touch remember? Best positions are ones that let your mate wrap himself around you. Lotus, missionary, that kind of thing. Ekiben against wall if you are feeling bold.
Be warned - we go through heat/rut cycles and it SUCKS. Feels so bad and frustrating 😡. If your mate’s scent changes from lavender to something deeper (Specter says it reminds him of Bath & Body Works fragrance In The Stars), skip all formalities and just get to it. Bad feelings fade quickly after mating, so he’ll appreciate it.
TAKING THE PLUNGE
Our kind doesn’t have marriage, and I still don’t understand point of it. If we’re together, we’re together, no reason to separate it into tiers. So don’t expect your mate to get it either. That said, you could get a kesper to live with you if your relationship is long & deep enough, and we’d be fine signing some papers under our human alias if that makes things easier for you. Just don’t expect any cultural baggage that comes with that, or any ceremonial stuff. When two kespers move in together, is customary to invite friends around and get blasted on tuber spirits. On Earth, we usually drink shochu for this. So make sure you stock up on that and be ready to drink it all by end of night.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
I hatched & grew up in Outer Asteroid Belt of Kesparel Core, near Orion Nebula. Wasn’t good for me there so I left. Earth can suck, but is nice to be on planet with weather. You have cool animals too, like opossums.
They certainly sound like fun people!