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A New Wind for Me
2 months ago
General
4 Years. 4 Years I've been approaching art the wrong way for me. 5 years on May of this year.
For some context, I've been struggling with my relationship with drawing a lot recently. It's become unfun, and after a particularly dark period earlier, I came to the realization that drawing has never been fun for me, and while that felt true to say, it didn't feel right. Like it could've been fun, but something about the way I was doing it made it unfun.
So, if that's the case..
Why did I pick up art?
With a clearer head after some more thinking, I can answer this more properly: to bring to life the ideas swimming in my head. I've a very active mind always making concepts and potential stories out of the things that interest me. There's also a twinge of long repressed childhood memories of being made fun of for drawing.
From kindergarten up until highschool, I've been trying drawing on and off, I hated it only because it never went well and I was always mocked for it, but I always had the desire to learn it, even if it wasn't my main creative focus. I didn't have the helpful, supportive people in my life that I do now back then, so I grew into a bitter relationship with drawing and viewed it as this looming mountain, perilous to climb. I suppressed this aspect of my desire to learn because I didn't want to grow prideful- my upbringing was deeply rooted in good morals and I do everything I can to sustain that, conscious or not.
But I'm dropping that now. The fact is that I've scaled that mountain now, I've accomplished things I never would've even dared to dream of when I was little- and that's as a very imaginative, hopeful idealist. I draw because there are cool things in my head that can only be brought to life the way I want them to by my hand, and there can be times where I genuinely enjoy the process.
I'm proud, sure. I've learnt a lot of skills and can do some pretty cool things. I'm happy with myself. So the question then becomes..
Why am I not happy with drawing? Why do I loathe doing it?
The immediate answer is that I'm always, always pushing myself to higher heights and setting insane goals for myself, even imposing strict time limits on them, but it goes far beyond that since even when I backpedal to simpler doodles, a simple circle sketch will put me through the five stages of grief the same way a full project would. That latter point is a deep cut for me because it's a source of a lot of guilt: whenever I want to draw even a small thing that interests me, it's always this huge mental battle that leaves me absolutely exhausted half way through. Even sketches suck to make. Moreover, I want to draw gifts for friends, partake in art trades, that sort of thing, but I can never fully commit to it because of that same problem, drawing is just REALLY hard.
But it wasn't always like that. There were times where drawing was an enjoyable process. I haven't really had such experiences recently at all, but looking back.. it was there.
When I rededicated my time to learning drawing back in 2021's covid lockdown, I didn't have any real direction. I was lost and aimless, but I was also free. I wasn't in any art communities, I didn't have any nosy classmates to judge my art, and I had a couple good friends I could occasionally share to, so I just sparsely did whatever. It wasn't until 2023 where I started taking things seriously, sowing the mental seeds that would encourage me to switch from pixel art to more standard methods of digital drawing in 2024. It was during this time that I started really hitting my stride as an artist. Looking back at these times, I've relearned what made art feel fun: the story and context behind it.
Art was at its most fun for me when I was drawing to life a story in my head. Whether it be a representation of something that happened in my irl life, an extract from my OC story project, or even an impulsive random thought. Big or small the scale didn't matter, if I was backing it with something that personally matters to me, I enjoyed doing it. I pushed through the pains of learning because it didn't hurt as bad.
This focus on story is what I've been robbing myself of for so long- since June of 2025 at the very least. I never properly dealt with my views on art on a skill based perspective, and lost sight of what made it fun. I sunk so deep into loathing that I genuinely questioned how people could possibly enjoy drawing, I claimed drawing wasn't fun, I became bitter.
The hole was so deep that I subconsciously poisoned my own work- bringing in that wicked focus on skill and matching what was in my head on several projects, including on ongoing WIP.
I never finished a single one of them, because the pain they brought was simply too much to bear.
So to answer, it's no wonder I've been feeling drained with drawing, when I've been robbing myself of my own reasons for doing it in the first place.
I'm determined to bring that to an end though. To break the cycle of constantly breaking myself down and picking myself up over and over.
I'm going to try something different, going forward. If there's something I want to commit to drawing, I'm going to write it out first, and match drawn lines to words, instead of the vague image in my head. Perhaps this will be the return I needed to find enjoyment in art again
I've neglected this part of myself for too long, but I'm declaring it now: I'm a storywriter. I love writing stories, creating concepts, and the ability to draw them to life makes me feel alive like nothing else can.
For no longer will drawing simply be a means to an end- it's going to be the other half of my love for writing. They'll be synonymous, rather than warring halves.
The reason why I'm posting this publicly is because I want to uplift my fellow artists. It might be a bit pretentious of me to want to help up others when I'm lost and in need of help myself, but this is a very deep and complex maze of a hole I've gotten myself in, one that I've been trying to claw out of my whole life, one that I owe a lot to a lot of friends and passerby who've helped pick me up when I was at my lowest. If I can give someone a somewhat straight line out, and save them the pain I went through, I'll do it in a heartbeat.
So, I just want you to know that no matter how hopeless it feels, how much it feels like you've made a waste of your life or how lost you feel, there's always, ALWAYS a way out. Talk to people, seek advice, but most importantly, be patient with yourself. Giving yourself due grace and leniency is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Everyone's path is different, but if you walk it with faith, you'll make it. Especially once you understand that little advancements each day is still moving. Going from a sprint some years back to a crawl nowadays doesn't mean you'll be crawling forever- you'll earn your wings someday.
Thank you for reading, wish me the best.
For some context, I've been struggling with my relationship with drawing a lot recently. It's become unfun, and after a particularly dark period earlier, I came to the realization that drawing has never been fun for me, and while that felt true to say, it didn't feel right. Like it could've been fun, but something about the way I was doing it made it unfun.
So, if that's the case..
Why did I pick up art?
With a clearer head after some more thinking, I can answer this more properly: to bring to life the ideas swimming in my head. I've a very active mind always making concepts and potential stories out of the things that interest me. There's also a twinge of long repressed childhood memories of being made fun of for drawing.
From kindergarten up until highschool, I've been trying drawing on and off, I hated it only because it never went well and I was always mocked for it, but I always had the desire to learn it, even if it wasn't my main creative focus. I didn't have the helpful, supportive people in my life that I do now back then, so I grew into a bitter relationship with drawing and viewed it as this looming mountain, perilous to climb. I suppressed this aspect of my desire to learn because I didn't want to grow prideful- my upbringing was deeply rooted in good morals and I do everything I can to sustain that, conscious or not.
But I'm dropping that now. The fact is that I've scaled that mountain now, I've accomplished things I never would've even dared to dream of when I was little- and that's as a very imaginative, hopeful idealist. I draw because there are cool things in my head that can only be brought to life the way I want them to by my hand, and there can be times where I genuinely enjoy the process.
I'm proud, sure. I've learnt a lot of skills and can do some pretty cool things. I'm happy with myself. So the question then becomes..
Why am I not happy with drawing? Why do I loathe doing it?
The immediate answer is that I'm always, always pushing myself to higher heights and setting insane goals for myself, even imposing strict time limits on them, but it goes far beyond that since even when I backpedal to simpler doodles, a simple circle sketch will put me through the five stages of grief the same way a full project would. That latter point is a deep cut for me because it's a source of a lot of guilt: whenever I want to draw even a small thing that interests me, it's always this huge mental battle that leaves me absolutely exhausted half way through. Even sketches suck to make. Moreover, I want to draw gifts for friends, partake in art trades, that sort of thing, but I can never fully commit to it because of that same problem, drawing is just REALLY hard.
But it wasn't always like that. There were times where drawing was an enjoyable process. I haven't really had such experiences recently at all, but looking back.. it was there.
When I rededicated my time to learning drawing back in 2021's covid lockdown, I didn't have any real direction. I was lost and aimless, but I was also free. I wasn't in any art communities, I didn't have any nosy classmates to judge my art, and I had a couple good friends I could occasionally share to, so I just sparsely did whatever. It wasn't until 2023 where I started taking things seriously, sowing the mental seeds that would encourage me to switch from pixel art to more standard methods of digital drawing in 2024. It was during this time that I started really hitting my stride as an artist. Looking back at these times, I've relearned what made art feel fun: the story and context behind it.
Art was at its most fun for me when I was drawing to life a story in my head. Whether it be a representation of something that happened in my irl life, an extract from my OC story project, or even an impulsive random thought. Big or small the scale didn't matter, if I was backing it with something that personally matters to me, I enjoyed doing it. I pushed through the pains of learning because it didn't hurt as bad.
This focus on story is what I've been robbing myself of for so long- since June of 2025 at the very least. I never properly dealt with my views on art on a skill based perspective, and lost sight of what made it fun. I sunk so deep into loathing that I genuinely questioned how people could possibly enjoy drawing, I claimed drawing wasn't fun, I became bitter.
The hole was so deep that I subconsciously poisoned my own work- bringing in that wicked focus on skill and matching what was in my head on several projects, including on ongoing WIP.
I never finished a single one of them, because the pain they brought was simply too much to bear.
So to answer, it's no wonder I've been feeling drained with drawing, when I've been robbing myself of my own reasons for doing it in the first place.
I'm determined to bring that to an end though. To break the cycle of constantly breaking myself down and picking myself up over and over.
I'm going to try something different, going forward. If there's something I want to commit to drawing, I'm going to write it out first, and match drawn lines to words, instead of the vague image in my head. Perhaps this will be the return I needed to find enjoyment in art again
I've neglected this part of myself for too long, but I'm declaring it now: I'm a storywriter. I love writing stories, creating concepts, and the ability to draw them to life makes me feel alive like nothing else can.
For no longer will drawing simply be a means to an end- it's going to be the other half of my love for writing. They'll be synonymous, rather than warring halves.
The reason why I'm posting this publicly is because I want to uplift my fellow artists. It might be a bit pretentious of me to want to help up others when I'm lost and in need of help myself, but this is a very deep and complex maze of a hole I've gotten myself in, one that I've been trying to claw out of my whole life, one that I owe a lot to a lot of friends and passerby who've helped pick me up when I was at my lowest. If I can give someone a somewhat straight line out, and save them the pain I went through, I'll do it in a heartbeat.
So, I just want you to know that no matter how hopeless it feels, how much it feels like you've made a waste of your life or how lost you feel, there's always, ALWAYS a way out. Talk to people, seek advice, but most importantly, be patient with yourself. Giving yourself due grace and leniency is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Everyone's path is different, but if you walk it with faith, you'll make it. Especially once you understand that little advancements each day is still moving. Going from a sprint some years back to a crawl nowadays doesn't mean you'll be crawling forever- you'll earn your wings someday.
Thank you for reading, wish me the best.
But then something got put in my ear. What was it? It was doubt. It was something telling me my art was bad, that I needed to 'work more professionally'. What did that mean? It meant brute forcing myself to learn things like proportions and perspective.
Except doing that caused a massive block.
I was no longer making art from my head and heart to my hands and to the page. It was "Here's the image I want to make... now what is wrong with it first?"
and I could never get past that.
I stayed in this block for years. Still haven't recovered. But I'm getting there. You've seen what I make! And while I make art for my friends, it's a bit selfish because I'm making the art for myself. Because the friends I draw and the scenarios I draw make me happy.
The first step to solving a problem is acknowledging that there is a problem, the second is seeing how to solve it. You've done those two things, I believe you're going to get back into art stronger than even before. Images that tell stories, perhaps? :3c