This is gonna be rather ranty.

Last night,  blake.zekky, the artist who drew this scene for me, died following a brief illness. I had gotten to know him just a bit while I was working with him and following his struggles on Twitter. He was practically a modern day Fantine from Les Misérables, constantly struggling just to survive and have even his basic needs met until his health to finally gave out. At the same time as this was happening, an old friend of mine was hospitalized after also struggling for their life in a different way. They survived this time, at least.

Though I never really got a chance to know him, Blake will always hold a special place in my heart because of what he did for me. He basically designed Rin from the ground up using just a series of text descriptions and some sample color palettes. This is a character who I first drafted in 2018, though the idea for him went all the way back to Spring 2017. Actually seeing him drawn means a lot to me, and it certainly will affect how I think about this character going forward now that he isn't so abstract. All four of the lead kobolds in Wild Shape have human aliases. The first names are all french due to some world-building details, but the last names come from multiple different languages. I'm thinking of having Rin's alias be named after him in some way, something like Clément Blake.

.................................................................................................................

Tonight has inflamed in me a sense of urgency that's been slowly growing for a few months. I've been closer to death this year then at any other point in my life. Back in March I had a major health scare, which was the end result of a sudden depressive spiral that had manifested as severe migraines, weakness, dizziness spells, deep confusion and catatonia. I've had things like that happen to me before, but this was the worst it had ever gotten, no contest. It was 100% the result of the bad environment I was in, an environment I never wish to return to.

I went on medical leave in April, and clawed my way out of that hole I was in by diving back into creative pursuits. I had so thoroughly lost who I was that I was desperate to get it back. This Wild Shape project, a revisit of an old sketch of a novel from undergrad, was my reminder. But as much as I am still being creative, and am now back on track with my degree, I still feel that pull towards the abyss, the old fears. These recent experiences have given me a sense of urgency that I've never really had before.

I need to finish what I'm working on and put it out, so that there is a record of who I am in my own voice. But more than that I need to get as far away from here as I can before it kills me. Away from my family of origin, and my backwards lifeless hometown, a little piece of desert suburban hell called Santa Clarita. I've been looking into opportunities abroad, and I intend to take the first one available to me the second I have my degree & professional license. For now, I just need to keep working. Keep pushing forward toward my goals. Life waits for none, and I can't wait for life.